Clearing the Rubble

My husband and I have owned a beautiful 10 acre plot of land for a little over a year now. We have dreams to build a home on it, plant a huge garden full of veggies and fruit trees, and of course there will be a weeping willow in the front yard somewhere. I have always wanted a willow tree. It's a must. This past year we planted corn on the land. We cleared thorny trees and planted white pines and spruce trees in their place. We tore down barbed wire fencing. We had electricity installed, so now my man can run power tools out there. But the greatest accomplishment by far is the tree swing Eric built for the boys. He precariously stood on top of a fully extended 30 foot ladder that barely grazed the bottom of the elm branch he was wrapping rope around. The giggles and squeals that accompany an excited Heaton boy as he swings back and forth, around and around, is priceless. Our newest venture is going to be constructing a Morton building - a place where Eric can operate his business, and the site where many parts of our future house will be birthed.

In order to build this shed, we needed to break up a concrete slab that remained from a pre-existing structure on the land. It actually looked like mini ancient ruins, overrun with weeds, tall grass, and random trees protruding from the cracked concrete. With a back hoe and a manly growl (what I like to compare to a gorilla beating his chest) my main squeeze busted up that concrete into chunks of hard gray rubble. Then, he immediately cleared the rubble away by moving it next to the road, where he can jack hammer it apart later into rock that he can lay as the floor of the building.

It amazes me how God can hammer in a point sometimes. (Pun intended.) I am currently leading Kelly Minter's Nehemiah Bible study at my church. I come together with an amazing group of tenderhearted women every Wednesday morning to explore the significance of Nehemiah and his calling to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem after the city lay in ruins. The timeliness of this study has me marveling at God and His perfect ways. Let me explain.

This year has been a rough year for me, to say the least. January led with a bang - a personal blow that left me feeling broken and confused. The hardest part of dealing with this situation was the aftermath of thoughts in my head. I knew I wasn't outside of God's will, which is why I didn't understand why I had come under fire. I should expect by now that following God's voice does not mean things will always go smoothly for me. But this confusing situation left me open and vulnerable. I had suffered a major blow - and I was standing in a pile of rubble. Just weeks later, I found a lump in my breast while my husband was oversees leading a mission trip. For over a week I convinced myself that I had breast cancer. Fear consumed me and the pile of rubble grew around me. Though it was just a cyst, the "lump" took a life of its own. The fear and uncertainty that came with it left me feeling afraid for the next attack. Over the next few months, we experienced two deaths in the family, a couple of very difficult circumstances surrounding my husband's work life, and a trip to the dermatologist that determined I had some pre-cancerous cells that still need to be surgically removed. And underlying all of this, my husband and I have been trying for over a year to get pregnant. And it ain't happening.

As the pile of rubble grew around me, so did my anxiety. I never really struggled with anxiety before. I'm usually known for remaining calm in stressful situations. But as these arrows kept firing at me (or so it felt like) I had no defense against them. Fear had grown roots inside of me, in the form of anxiety. My walls - my armor - were laying around me, in a heaping mess of rubble, as evidence of the blows I kept incurring. It got to the point where I was just anticipating the next attack. What was next? Do I have cancer somewhere? Is that why I can't get pregnant? Is someone dear to me going to die? Is our house going to burn down? I had crazy thoughts running through my head, and as I stood in the midst of the ruins around me, remains of a strength I once knew, I told God that I just couldn't live like this anymore.

Enter Nehemiah.

The city of Jerusalem - the home of a people set apart by God - had been pillaged, God's temple burned, the walls of the city broken, the gates demolished by fire, and anything of value destroyed. And God put it in Nehemiah's heart to rebuild the city. At the time Kelly Minter was writing this Bible study, she had recently finished helping with a restoration project that helped families who had lost their homes during the Nashville flood several year ago.

       She says this, "After the Nashville flood I helped rebuild three homes, and during the process I learned a worthy lesson: The difference between building and rebuilding is rubble. Building starts with a clean slate and means new, freshly-scented materials. Rebuilding means maneuvering through piles of brick, metal, and junk before you get to hanging the stunning chandelier you found for half-price, the one God ordained for you to own before the foundation of the world... The problem with rubble is that it hangs around well after the initial destruction. Though the attack of Jerusalem's walls had long since passed, the rubble was still present."

This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. (Again, pun intended.) I was standing in the pile of rubble that I had allowed to continue growing with every blow I was dealt throughout the year. I had never cleared any of it away. The lingering evidence of these hardships was scattered around me and manifesting itself in the form of anxiety. Of course I was just waiting for the next attack... because somewhere along the way I had thrown my hands up in defeat.

Eric immediately cleared the broken concrete away so that a new structure could be built in its place. Seeing this physical representation, along with God's Word loud and clear in my mind, I understood what I needed to do in order to move forward. I needed to remove the rubble in my life, and rebuild. I began to pray for the Lord to replace my anxiety with His Peace. He did. I turned to my family and trusted friends and asked for their prayers and intercession on my behalf. They did. As I have dug further into this Bible study, I sense God reworking my heart as we - together - rebuild Heather, not to who she formerly was, but as a new creation. 2 Corinthians 5:17 us "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" I find such encouragement knowing that my Great God can take a broken woman, standing in a messy field of ruins, and pluck her right out of it, holding her in the palm of His hand as He gently sculpts her into the woman He longs for her to be.

Since I have cleared away the excess baggage, I have noticed God's still voice ever so clearer. Things that brought me anxiety only a couple of months ago, I now have peace about. He is working and changing my heart towards BIG things that only He could move me to do. I am not the person I was 10 months ago, but a stronger believer with a greater understanding of who He is and what He desires from me. And I've learned that, when an attack comes, if I simply just let go and fall back into His arms, He will catch me... and I won't break.