The Big Ten



April 3, 2004. Blue skies all around. Church bells chiming in a melodic tune. Every person who had loved me and whom I had loved during my 23 years of life on Earth was within an arms reach. It was my wedding day and a perfect day it was. A few moments stand out to me. My favorite part of the day was right after Eric and I were announced as husband and wife, and we walked hand in hand down the aisle. We snuck into a quiet room in the back of the little chapel and just held each other and cried. It was official - we would be together forever and live in eternal wedded bliss. At the reception, I danced with my brother (ten at the time) who told me I looked beautiful. I remember thinking that he was such a precious, sweet little boy and I knew I just had to have one like him someday. Now I have two beautiful, tenderhearted boys that tell me I am beautiful every day. I also recall watching my groom's grandparents tango to Def Leppard at the reception. I'm sure I was admiring their young hearts and hoping that someday I'd have the chance to get to know them better. We are currently living in their house. Ten years later today, as I sit and reflect on the incredible journey my marriage has taken me through, I have challenged myself to think of the ten biggest lessons I have learned while enduring my "eternal wedded bliss."

1. We are polar opposites, and that is why we work together so well.

When Eric and I were busy falling in love in college, I think we may have been "love" blinded to our natural differences in our personalities. I'm sure this happens a lot with new love. Eric and I had (and have) so many common interests and beliefs, that, personalities aside, we clicked naturally. It wasn't until the first year of marriage began to unfold for us, that we discovered just how different we were from each other. I am the East. He is the West. POLAR opposites.



Halloween 2001 (Oh, the irony of this picture.)

He's outgoing, and I am shy. He wants to take risks when I want to play it safe. I am a flighter and he is a FIGHTER. But just as quick as he is to fight, he wants to resolve things quickly, where as I tend to hold on to things. He is more likely to be spontaneous, and I tend to appreciate planning things out first. I am quite alright with waiting for things (like... a sign from God that we are supposed to do something), where as he will jump in feet first into whatever thing I am wanting to wait on. His idea of a relaxing "family" weekend is letting the kids run around the yard while he builds a deck, or a tree house, or a dining room table... and for me its going on a picnic, then a hike, then stopping for ice cream on the way home. You get the idea. 

What has brought me to appreciate these differences over the years is that these extreme opposites have helped us find a middle ground where something productive happens. Growth. We challenge each other to be better versions of ourselves. He alone has the ability to draw me out of my comfort zone when we are in big groups of people. His desire to fight with me keeps me from withdrawing, and my desire to withdraw keeps him accountable to the way we work out our conflicts. His spontaneity brings adventure to our marriage, where as my planning enables us to do more (because we have reservations). Our opposites become a big strength in our marriage because they keep us working together, as a team. We bring two different thought patterns to the table, allowing us to see every situation we find ourselves in with a well rounded approach to resolution. Because we are in synch with our faith which guides us, our opposite natures have proven to be a blessing to us both by constantly pushing us outside of ourselves, into the arms of a Father who unifies us.

2. Forgiveness isn't an option - its a command.

We've already discovered that I am a flighter and Eric is a fighter. In the first year of marriage this proved to be an impossible obstacle to surpass. I am not a confrontational person, and I HATE fighting. When things get bad, I end them. Why put myself through pain and difficulty that isn't necessary? This was my mindset for many years. And with some situations, it still is. I may be able to walk away from certain unhealthy relationships that aren't bearing fruit in my life, but I can NOT walk away from my husband and just end things. Now I need to clarify something - when I label Eric a fighter, I am illuminating his desire to work out the conflict right there on the spot. As a flighter, I tend to walk away and close the door, give the matter some thought, cry, wish I locked my bedroom door after grabbing my phone so I had someone to call. Neither approach to conflict was healthy, and began yielding some resentment in our marriage.

We began marriage counseling during our 7th year of "eternal wedded bliss." It was during this time where we learned how to appropriately resolve conflict that allowed Eric to feel like he was resolving things quickly, without denying me my "cool down" time. We were in counseling for almost a year. This intense season of work on restructuring our marriage also shed light on areas of unforgiveness. Colossians 3:13 tells us directly, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." We made a decision that there would be no more room EVER for bitterness, resentment or unforgiveness in our marriage. Eric is not perfect. I am not perfect. Each one of us will screw up the other's plans or expectations at some point and I would rather be standing under an umbrella of grace that is being extended to me by my Love, than in a raging storm of anger and fury. Forgiveness is salve to an open wound. It empowers us to heal and move on.

3. The way Eric and I treat each other now will determine the legacy we will leave later.

Eric and I recently attended a marriage conference. As we watched other married couples' stories unfold on a big screen in front of us, we both walked away with a similar conviction. The legacy we are leaving our children is underway now. Its so easy for me to get in a pattern of thought where I dream about how much "better" I will be in the future when I'm not as tired, have more time to spend with my husband, have less things to complain about because EVERYTHING will be fixed by the time the future rolls around... and I write off any of the above inconveniences as an excuse for my current negative behavior towards my spouse.

I may be able to rationalize my actions in the heat of the moment - I'm tired, I'm hormonal, I'm RIGHT - but how do my children rationalize my behavior? When they see Mommy and Daddy angry over who used the last of the mayo and forgot to write it on the grocery list, are they learning how to extend grace to each other, or get mad when the other makes a mistake? If there is anything I want my children to remember about their mother and father is how much love and grace we extended towards one another, modeling unconditional love for our children to witness and apply to their own marriages someday.

4. Marriage is NOT a 50/50 partnership.

I asked Eric what the biggest lesson he learned over the past ten years of marriage was, and this was it. He said that we each should always expect to give more - putting in more work than our "fair share." There are times when I am down and out, and he pulls through like a champion race horse and carries the family to victory. The house never looks cleaner than when I am sick because he cooks, does the dishes and vacuums, picks up the toys scattered all throughout the house and does the laundry (not sure what this says about me as a stay at home mom??? Clearly, I married Superdad.) Then there have been times when Eric has been gone for extended periods of time, and I have had to play the role of both mom and dad. Yes, there are times when I feel like I am the only one contributing to the marriage. I'm sure he feels that way too. But each of us will have our difficult seasons when we need to rely a little bit more on the support of our spouse to get us through. If we approach marriage like a 100/100 partnership, then we can always ensure that we got our spouse covered.

5. My husband does not complete me.

This lesson has been a hard pill for me to swallow. Every little girl dreams of a Knight in shining armor who will sweep her off her feet someday and rescue her from life's perils. I was no different. I thought that Eric would be able to meet my every need - cheer me up when I was sad, affirm me in all things, read my mind, know what I wanted before I did, meet all my expectations - spoken and unspoken, validate me and my feelings, the list goes on. I learned the hard way (over countless agonizing tears shed wondering "why doesn't my husband love me?") that it isn't Eric's role as my husband to fulfill my every dream and meet my every need. That role is meant for God and God alone. Eric is human. He is flawed and destined to fail me if I constantly turn to him for completeness. The thing is, God is meant to complete him too. By turning to God (especially during moments when I feel like Eric is failing me), I am reminded of my own weakness and need for a Savior. When I invite God to fill me up, I release Eric of the incredible burden he must feel when I place crazy expectations on him. Finding completeness in my Lord brings me joy, and shifts my focus from how Eric can fulfill my needs to how I can meet his.

6. When one of us weeps, the other tastes salt.

I saw this quote on a sign somewhere long ago and it stuck with me. It's so true. When Eric is sad, my heart is broken with his. When I experience something difficult, he is there to jump to my defense and either wrap his loving arms around me or threaten to murder the adversary. One of the biggest components of unification in a marriage are hardships. How we handle them and press through them defines our relationship. I am so thankful that I have a husband who has my back no matter what. We are each other's cheerleaders. GO TEAM HEATON! When we experience anything, we experience it together.

When I recently told Eric that I had found a lump in my breast, I saw the concern in his eyes. He had no fear, but he knew I was scared. His tenderness towards me and his prayers that covered me in the days leading up to my doctor's appointment revealed his deep concern and love for me. And I don't see Eric cry often, but when I do, it moves me. I feel his pain as if it is my own - a true sense of oneness. This ability is a gift - love that is able to exist only because we were loved first (1 John 4:19).

7. The biggest weapon we have against discontentment in our marriage is prayer.

Eric and I were facing a fork in the road... only a few months ago. We were either going to fight for our marriage, or try a separation. After an intense heart to heart conversation full of honesty and revelation, we decided to fight. Throughout our marriage, we had committed, maybe a couple weeks at a time, to following a devotional of some sort. Busyness kept us from being faithful to it. The day after our heart to heart we made a commitment that we would start our day EVERY morning with a devotional and prayer time together. Three months later, this plan is still in effect and I don't believe our marriage has ever been stronger. I have done countless Bible studies since we have been married. Eric has been in numerous men's groups. We have done couple's small groups and read every book on marriage from The Five Love Languages to Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. Nothing comes close to promoting unity in our marriage like prayer does. Praying together unites us as we present our requests, fears, worries, and praises before a Great God.

Eric is usually up first with the boys (BLESS HIM) so right before he is ready to go to work, he comes in the bedroom, picks up our devotional book, sits down next to me and my entanglement of covers, and reads the day's inspiration. We are currently reading Sarah Young's Jesus Calling (which I highly recommend). After we finish our devo, we discuss what we feel to be the biggest obstacles the day will bring and we pray for each other. This commitment to pray for each other daily has saved our marriage. We are essentially inviting God to work in every part of our lives, giving Him complete control over our marriage and everything that is thrown at us.

I am the East, and Eric is the West. God is our due North. The further we pull away from each other, the less "pull" we feel from God. But when we meet Him in prayer together, we are locked together like magnets with a strength that is impossible to break. This morning prayer time helps us stay Christ-centered in thought and in deed, which governs us throughout the day.

8. Don't make your husband wait ten years before making him enchiladas.

This one is a biggie. After ten years of asking me to make enchiladas, I finally caved last week and made my husband the dinner he wanted. Honestly, I don't like enchilada sauce. Or corn tortillas. That's the only reason I have for never making them before. I will tell you something - it is EASY for me to be selfless with my kids. They eat every meal first. They get dressed before I do. They get all the good fruit. They get to pick what movie they want to watch, ALL the time. My tasks throughout the day get interrupted every 30 seconds to tend to a need of a child. And it is just the way I am wired, as a mom, who loves her kids. It is much more difficult for me to be selfless with my husband. But it is required of me. And when I am selfless with him, he yearns to be selfless with me, and that is a cycle I am ok with being stuck in.

And I HEART the Pioneer Woman. Ree Drummond and I are like kindred spirits. I do not blame her for nobody else liking the enchiladas the other night. I think my little boys and I have anti-enchilada sauce taste buds. I am thankful that Eric devoured his enchiladas and said they were the best he'd ever had. But... if anyone out there has any recipes for unconventional enchiladas (no red sauce) please send them my way!!

9. We are currently living yesterday's dreams.

I have always been a BIG dreamer. I mean, my teachers use to make comments on my report cards about my "tendency to daydream in class." (Whatever. I still got good grades.) But when you put TWO dreamers together - watch out. Big dreams require big action. Eric and I know this well. We have big dreams for our family, including the desire to build our own home someday. We often find ourselves mulling over floor plans, home design books, and checking out the latest and greatest products at Home Depot and Menards. We occasionally drive out to our property and stand in the place where our future house will be. And just think about it.

Just the other day, as Eric and were talking about our visions for the future (which ALSO include growing our own grapes so we can make our own wine, own a brewery in town - which means Eric will also brew the beer for that, own a bed & breakfast, have a garden big enough to sustain ourselves for the year, and travel the world) we realized that we often spend so much time planning and thinking about the future, and we don't spend much time thinking about where we have come from. If you had asked me five years ago what my vision for my family was, I'd have said something like, "Be settled in an area near family, with close friends with whom we can raise our children, be a part of a church family that challenges and grows us, and both Eric and I would be using our gifts to serve the Lord." Well there you go. That dream came true.

Eric and I have been reminding ourselves to focus on the present, counting our blessings, and remembering to be thankful in the midst of ALL of our moments. Because all of our moments impact our dreams - and we have a God who is the business of blessing our socks off.

10. Married life is an adventure unparallel to any other.

For the past ten years, I have always had a companion to do life with. Though we have been through some rough seasons in our marriage, like an any adventure, the hard work is coupled with beautiful and exhilarating moments along the way. My spouse and I are tethered to a Big God who desires to reveal His beauty to us. I have determined that there is no such thing as "eternal wedded bliss" - God promises that with Himself only. In John 16:33, Jesus tells we will have trouble in this world. He never promises a perfect happy life. But he reminds us that he has overcome anything we will ever face, and as I look back over the past ten years, I see his fulfillment of his promises to us. The Lord has blessed Eric and I with an amazing story full of adventure, excitement, twists and turns, love and laughter, tears and joy. I wouldn't exchange a single moment. This is our story - and we are sticking to it.

Honeymooners! (Fiji, 2004)









Serving the village of Wa (Ghana, Africa, 2007) 

Last vaca before kids! (St. Lucia, 2007)

 

Living the dream (Gulf Shores, 2011)