I Am Second

I stood at the kitchen sink, refilling my water glass for the tenth time yesterday. I didn't have to move any dirty dishes out of the way in order to fill it up, either. In fact, not only was the kitchen sink empty, but so were the counters on either side of it. It was a first... in a long time. I smiled, as I turned off the faucet and took a sip of the cool, refreshing water. Maybe I could actually claim that life was getting back to somewhat of a manageable "normal" after baby number three entered my life. Then I glanced up at the window sill above the sink and noticed that my beloved basil plant was nothing more than a dry twig sticking out of rock solid dirt in a blue pot. "This is a season," I told myself, for the 6,729th time in the past eleven weeks. Just as quickly as I noticed the dead plant, I heard the faint little grunt of a soon to be unhappy baby and took off towards the sound. The fact of the matter was quite simple - nothing was more important than that baby in that moment. As a stay at home mother of three young boys, I acknowledge that they come first - first in priority, first to have their needs met, first to be dressed, first to be fed. I am second.

I would be lying if I said I was okay with this all of the time. In fact, its an honest struggle to make it through an entire day without at least a twinge of resentment over the fact that I can't take a nap when I'm exhausted, or I can't eat a hot meal - or a fresh one for that matter, or even have a simple personal thought that is uninterrupted by my children's requests, demands, crying or fighting. It is, quite frankly, a miracle that I have a few minutes to write this. But this particular thought has been stewing in my mind for months now. I have written this blog post over and over again in my head, during the wee hours of the morning when the house is silent except for the precious little being that is nursing at my breast. Writing is something that brings me comfort. It helps me organize my thoughts and brings life to trapped words and images that repeatedly circulate around and around in my head. When I write, the tiny voice that is constantly narrating my life turns from a whisper to a shout, and I can be heard - noticed, acknowledged. It has been months since I have had the opportunity to write, and I'm feeling a bit trapped... the words "I Am Second" repeating themselves over and over in my mind like an old sitcom rerun.

My husband and I are so incredibly blessed to have amazing children who, at such a young age, love Jesus and show such sincere compassion for others. My boys are my life right now - and I am A OK with it. However, as an introspective and analytical deep thinker, I need some alone time every now and then for my own emotional well being. I have to be able to process what I am seeing and thinking and feeling and make sense of it all. I absolutely have to be able to find and hear God's voice in my daily situations or else I lose my grip on life. Dramatic, I know. But when you are daily finding yourself covered in dried spit up, smelling like sour milk, with a back that feels like its going to break in two and just wishing it was after your child's last feeding for the day so you can indulge in a glass of wine but find yourself falling asleep when that time actually comes and can't wake yourself up to enjoy even a sip... it is ESSENTIAL to find the meaning in it all in order to press on to the next day.

My precious Samuel was born July 31, just weeks ago. An unexpected gift he was, but one of the greatest blessings of my life. His little dimples melt my heart. Just yesterday my darling 5 year old made Sammy laugh. There is no sweeter sound on this planet than a baby laughing. No sweeter sound. One of my most favorite things EVER is when Sammy nestles his little head right under my chin, grasping the collar of my shirt with his itty bitty fingers, his chubby legs wrapped around my waist, and sleeps. It gets even better when he smiles and giggles in his sleep, I imagine from dreams of him and his fellow baby buds splashing around with puppies and other cute baby animals in a pond of breast milk (or something like that). The other morning, it might have been somewhere between 2 and 3 am, as I snuggled my sweet tiny newborn, I uttered something like, "I wish I had someone to hold and snuggle me like this." And I heard the faint reply...

"I Am."

The tears streamed down my face. I knew He was. He always was. Holding me, snuggling me close. In the moments I made myself feel alone... in the moments I made myself feel like I was second to everything... He was making me First. He reminded me of Psalm 17:8 - Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings. That verse became my prayer in that early morning moment, and as I held my baby close, I knew He was holding me closer. Since that morning, I have been taking those quiet moments to simply talk to Him. I may not have time to write, or eat a hot meal, or take a shower longer than 3 minutes... but I do have time to talk to Him. My alone time has become centered around short conversations with my Heavenly Father who loves me. And He reminds me of that love every time I look at my precious children. He sees me in the same light as I see them - there is nothing that I wouldn't do for my boys. I can trust that when I feel I am running on empty, He is right beside me, filling my cup.

 

I absolutely adore baby feet. I can't even tell you how many times a day I kiss my baby's tiny toes. I have held Sammy's feet in my hands and prayed over them... asking God to lead them to beautiful places. I've asked Him to protect the path on which they tread. I've asked that wherever they land, that they are purposeful in glorifying His name. I realize that I am walking my own God given journey right now. The Lord has blessed my path as well. From the tops of the Andes Mountains in Peru to the bottom of the cascading Bouma Waterfalls in Fiji, to the stretching Chamonix vineyards in South Africa, He has led me all over the world - beholding breathtaking sights, and experiencing life in ways I never could have imagined. My feet might not be taking me to any exotic places right now, but He is gently reminding me that my journey isn't about location as much as it is about what I am doing in the spot He has decided to plant me in. Right now, my feet take me up and down the bedroom hallway in the wee small hours of the morning. They bounce and sway to lullabies, and chase little boys with the anticipation of a tickle fight. They step on crumbs and clumps of dirt in any given room in the house. In my most challenging moments of the day, when I long for sleep, a long hot shower, or a shopping spree in the suburbs (a girl can dream, right?) God is urging me to forgo uttering "I Am Second" and simply call upon I Am. For He has led me through every moment of my life, carrying me through the most difficult times. He hems me in - in front and behind. As my Heavenly Father, He loves me with a fierce devotion. And when I feel drained - completely spent where one more step feels like it could lead to a free fall - He takes that step for me.

 

I have included the lyrics to Nichole Nordeman's song, "I Am."  This song was sung at my wedding, a beautiful melody with words that rang true of my past, and words I knew to become truth for my future. I know I am walking through a season - one that requires more than I feel I have to give at the moment. With harvest underway and Eric busy working 80 hour work weeks out in the fields, single motherhood has taken hold of me. The Lord has been revealing Himself through the love and support of family and friends. He has been my Comforter, my Life Sustainer, my Super Hero. And when I call Him and ask Him to come and hold me...

 

He says, "I Am."

 

 

 

"I Am" - Nichole Nordeman

 

Pencil marks on a wall
I wasn't always this tall,
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed,
You watched my team win,
You watched my team lose,
You watched when my bicycle went down again,

 

And When I was weak, unable to speak,
still I could call You by name,
and I said “Elbow healer, Superhero,
come if You can,” and You said “I Am.”

 

Only 16, life is so mean, what kind of curfew is at ten PM
You saw my mistakes, You watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again

When I was weak, unable to speak,
still I could call You by name,
and I said “Heart-ache Healer, Secret-keeper,
be my Best Friend” and You said “I Am”

You saw me wear white, by pale candlelight,
I said forever to what lies ahead
two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
too much it might seem when it is two AM

when I am weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name.
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker,
hold on to my hand,” and You say “I Am.”

The winds of change,
And circumstance blow in and all around
us so we find a foothold that’s familiar,
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun,
You let the angels dance around the throne, who can say when,
But they’ll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home

 

I will be weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name
“Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,
Lord and King, Beginning and
the End, I Am, yes, I Am.”