Letter To My 25 Year Old Self

I have been spending some time lately, in retrospective thought. Not dwelling on the things of the past, rather, but focusing on how I have grown and changed. What is incredible to me, is how almost ALL of my dreams and goals have changed over the course of ten years. I am still the same woman, with the same longings, fears and passions... but my eyes see the course of my life so differently now (and not just because I require a stronger prescription contact lens.) I am continually on a journey of self-discovery, pruning, refining and bearing fruit - trudging through harsh winters, staggering across dry deserts, and rolling in colorful flower beds of summer. Life has brought twists and turns that in turn have brought marvelous changes and challenges. I would not alter a single part of it, but I do wish I would have tackled these past years with more grace, compassion, and objectivity. Oh, the things I wish I could go back and tell myself ten years ago...


Dear 25 Year Old Self,

I see you sitting on your back porch, the late morning sun warming your legs as you sip your white chocolate mocha, with open, blank pages before you. It's almost time for you to head into work, to a job you love - and a job that loves you. You are growing every day, in your love for the Lord, in your desire for your husband, and in spiritual maturity that is drawing you into the woman God designed you to be. Be affirmed, that the obstacles and frustrations you face today are simply shaping you into a woman with an important story. God has designed you to be a storyteller, and every situation you encounter will add depth and richness to your life story. Don't be afraid of anything. You will survive it - all of it, and come out on top of it all, stronger and better for it.

You have a couple of challenging years of marriage under your belt. I know you are discovering new things about yourself as you grow in unity with this man. He makes you feel alive and wanted and desired, all things you crave. I also know that you struggle at times, wondering if you married the right one. Marriage is a delicate, intricate dance requiring the fancy footwork of communication and forgiveness and grace. Your husband loves you so much, though he doesn't always show it in the way you want to see it. He may not, either. But he loves you so much. Be tender towards him. He tries so hard to give you everything you want and more. He longs to make your dreams come true. He wants to be your hero. Let him. There will be plenty of times where you won't agree on the method or manner in which something happens, but please remember - you both want the same thing. Take a time out in the midst of the struggle, whenever it presents itself, and remember that the journey is just as important as the destination. Love each other through it all. The Lord has some incredible blessings in store for you... three of which have blonde hair, blue eyes, and smiles that will melt your heart. And for the love, if you ever feel so inclined to chuck a glass plate and an English muffin at your husband, just don't, k? You would be totally justified. But just don't.

I challenge you to think about how you spend your time. Your house is spotless. Your movies are in alphabetical order. Your underwear drawer is a splendid rainbow of lace and silk, all neatly tucked in place. Enjoy the order and cleanliness now (and thongs - they are a PRIVILEGE). You will not always have the luxury of indulging your Type A personality forever. Don't let the brownie crumbs smeared into the soft, new carpet from the tenth grade girls sleep over the other night bother you. Trust me, teenage girls got nothing on your future. Get used to messes. In fact, make some messes of your own. At least you can control them. It might be liberating for you. And watch a little less TV. In fact, don't bother with Grey's Anatomy. You will love the show and then years into it when you feel like your very existence is entangled in the fate of the characters you mirror, the Dreamiest main character dies and makes you feel like hours and hours of your life - equipped with tears and heartache - were completely wasted. You've been warned. Instead, read more. Reading is something you will struggle to find time for someday, and you will wish for it desperately. Reading inspires and challenges you. Read as often as you can.

I know your heart aches for sincere friendship. Its been a struggle for you, to find girls who also crave what you do - authentic intimacy. Not everyone is an open book like you are. Don't be discouraged. Invest your best self into every relationship that falls upon the pages of your story. Don't push or pull. Don't make something into what its not meant to be. Just allow yourself the freedom to breathe and trust that God has very special people in place to dramatically enter your life right on cue. Like a catchy tune you hear for the first time and can't get out of your head, or a new flavor of ice cream you decidedly can't live without, so will be your future friends...  ever-present, comforting, and full of rich, deep flavor. Your friends will season your life with the best of ingredients - like an aged balsamic or a smoky Mediterranean sea salt - they will be there for every joy and every heart ache, covering you in prayer, basting you in warmth and grace, smothering you in hugs and kisses, and sprinkling humor and laughter into your wide open gaping soul that more than welcomes such things. Be patient. These friends will become the sisters you never had.

Now about the Starbucks... and the Anthropologie and the J.Crew... and the P.F.Chang's... and the Maggie Moo's. I know they make you happy and that you enjoy spending your hard earned dollars at each of these establishments BUT it really isn't happiness that they bring you. They are merely a scratch to an itch. You love playing dress up, and you always will. But there will come a time when your husband will feel called to leave ALL THE THINGS behind. And it will feel hard to do. Leaving all the things behind is never fun, and rather, unsettling. But it is so worth it, because ALL THE NEW THINGS will be waiting for you in some other place, a better place that will bring you more joy doing what you never dreamed of doing. Practice the discipline of letting go of comfort as you now know it. You will find comfort in the most unexpected places someday... in the most simple, humble settings void of bells and whistles and scarves and crab rangoons. There are going to be some big things God is going to ask of you, and it would be so awesome if you anticipated that and began saving your pennies now.

You are wonderful at your job. You love the teenage girls you have the blessing and honor of ministering to every day. Some of these girls will become life long friends. You will attend their weddings and watch them become beautiful mothers. You will cheer them on as they head to other countries, ministering to others and living out adventures you always knew they were capable of living. Sharing your life story with these young women is so vitally important. I know you often feel misunderstood by others that you work with. Always remember this - God knows your heart. He alone calls you to the ministry He has set apart for you. And ONLY YOU can carry out your calling. Press into Him when you feel discouraged or alone. He will place you exactly where you need to be. He will also shift your ministry calling. Be aware of how He leads you, don't fight it. What is on the other side is exciting and shouldn't be feared or dreaded. It is a miracle at all that our God would have us do anything for His sake, broken and weary as we are. When He calls, always answer Him. Always walk with your head up high as you step out in faith into the unknown. Feeling uncomfortable will actually become something you crave. Change helps you thrive and grow. Embrace it. And expect God to call you out into deep waters. Because He will.

Its almost time for you to leave for work. I see you scribbling a few final thoughts on paper as you take your last sip of cold, chocolatey coffee. You are so diligent about journaling, and that is so necessary and good. This is a sacred time for you to pursue every morning as you start your day. You enjoy listening to the cardinals sing as they flit past you. The music of the birds, the rustling of the oak leaves as the wind awakens the tall trees, and the smell of the roses you planted with dreams of them overtaking your southern garden - inspire you to write. Never give up that desire to write... to create. God designed you with a gift, and life will get busy and there will come a time when writing will take the back seat - if you let it. If you stop writing, you will lose a sense of who you are. Your voice may be quiet, but it is strong, and God gave you something to say. So, say it. Say it with fervor, with passion, with desperation and intensity. Don't ever put your pen down. When God ignites your heart on fire and you feel scared because what you have to say may not be received well by many - write. It is your calling, and always will be. That daydream you had when you were a little girl... to write a book and be published... that dream can become more than a dream if you respond to the gentle nudges of your Creator, who inspires you and longs to draw you into the color-rich mosaic He has painted around you. Read as many books as you can and write as often as you are able. Always keep time set aside to read and write, it is essential to who you are and will enable you to become all of who you were meant to be.

As you head out the door, in your cute new yellow leather flats from J.Crew, keep this in mind - those beautiful feet will take you places you never imagined. But the reward will only come when you are walking on the path He has set before you. Those feet won't make it on their own. You think you are immune to the depression that has infused itself into beloved members of your family, but you are wrong. One day it will catch you, tangling you up into a net of despair and loneliness, if you are not alert. Keep your feet firmly planted on the path marked out for you. Step into His footprints if you are losing your way or life seems to grow dark. Stay rooted in His Word. Don't wait for the next Bible study to start. Leave the pages of the greatest love story open at all times. Allow His story to become imbedded in yours. It is the way to the fullest life.

And those yellow shoes will always be your favorite, so take good care of them. Don't wear them out in the rain.

With Love,
Me

Black and White

It was a few short months until my wedding day. Eric and I were in the throes of planning for the big day, which was set to take place in a beautiful little church in Memphis. I was sitting in a tall chair in a department store, the smells from the perfume counter overpowering my nose. A young, fair skinned woman was applying my eye shadow and blush, in an attempt to discover my "wedding day look." I had never had a makeover before, and I recall feeling special. Important, even. I smiled and let the make up artist in front of me do her magic. She was pretty quiet, until a few African American teenage girls loudly walked by. Then she started to speak.

"There are way too many black people that have taken over this mall. My friends and I have nicknamed Memphis - Memfrica."

My heart just about popped out of my chest. WHAT?!?!? I could tell my face was instantly flushed. She clearly didn't notice because she kept on going. I sat in my chair in complete disbelief. I went to school in Chicago. I had DEAR friends who were black. And I had just - as in A MONTH prior to this instance - returned from South Africa where I studied abroad for five weeks. The purpose of my studies were to learn about the history of the country, the progression and abolition of apartheid, the roots of slavery, the depth of racism in our own country, and efforts of reconciliation here and abroad. Her words made me physically ill. I couldn't even say anything. I stood up, with only one eye fully made over and simply walked away. I didn't feel special or important as I walked away. I felt shame. I felt dirty. I should have yelled at her. I knew I was privileged just because of my skin color. I knew it and I hated it. And I was mad at myself that I was so infuriated but had said nothing. I wasn't going to let that happen again.

I remember, years later, calling out a coworker for making a racist comment. His story began with "This car drove by... you know, a typical black man's car..." I couldn't contain my shock and disgust at that comment, so I spoke up.

And when a white friend of mine dropped the N word, I spoke up.

And when another coworker made comments about the way the black teenager who was filling her grocery bags talked, I spoke up.

Now, here I sit. I'm tired from a day of holding and comforting a teething baby. My back aches, my eyes are puffy. I want to go to bed. But not as badly as I want to speak up. My heart is breaking for this country. I just sat and watched the news, of rallies taking place across our nation - of people of every color standing up for black lives. "No justice, no peace," they chant. Moments later, the camera pans to officers down, people running scared. The nation I live in is crumbling. I can recall the times I stood up, with my hand over my heart, and proudly belted out our national anthem. Now I hear the words... "the land of the free..." and it causes me to pause.

Because this is not the land of the free. We are an oppressed people. ALL OF US. The black face is not the enemy. The white face is not the enemy. The Muslim face is not the enemy. Homosexuals are not the enemy. No matter the color, the religion, the sexual orientation, birth origin, level of education, whether you carry a gun or not, whether you are a conservative right or liberal left, or whether you are right or wrong - there is ONLY ONE ENEMY. Just one.

The enemy is a thief. He comes only to steal and kill and destroy" (John 10:10). This enemy is destroying the unity of a country that claims to be united IN ITS NAME. This enemy is stealing our humanity, turning us in on each other so that we point fingers at those who think and act and behave differently than we do in order that we can sleep at night all tucked into a bed of superiority and self righteous reasoning. This enemy is killing. He doesn't have a preference of skin color. To him a life is a life - and one more life without the hope of redemption is the name of his game.

Is anyone out there TIRED of playing this game??? Shouldn't our fingers be exhausted by now? How much longer can we point at each other and blame? How much longer can we ignore the truth of the state of our nation right now? In our own country in the past few years there are mass shootings that have taken place in an elementary school, movie theater, college campuses, nightclub, church, grocery store, military centers, THE LIST GOES ON. There are children, teenagers and adults who are trafficked right out of this country to be sold into slavery EVERY DAY. More than 46 million people live in poverty in this country. Where I live. Where you live. Where our children live.

I can't do it anymore. The "Hi, how are you?" "Good! Just busy, you know," kind of on the surface conversations that happen over and over again. Can we talk?? Please? Can we discuss the future of this place we call home and how we can try to stand united again? Can we have the difficult, uncomfortable conversations in our churches?? Can we challenge each other to see past the divisive diversion of race, religion, politics and sexual orientation and claim UNITY AND FREEDOM in the ONE who brings unity and freedom? Jesus was sent to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners... (Isaiah 61:1). We may not live in the land of the free, but we can find freedom in the only One who can give it.

Black lives matter. I have studied much, travelled far and witnessed racism to the point of understanding it well - but I will never KNOW what it is like to be judged because of my skin color. In the same breath, I say that the lives of white cops matter just as much. I am proud to be a part of a family with generations of outstanding police officers and members of the military, who put others' lives before their own on a daily basis. The lives of every person on this planet matter. The life of a serial killer still matters to our God who has the ability to save it.

Friends, let's have the difficult conversations. Let's listen to each other. Let's challenge our pastors to pray with our congregations for these groups of people who are being targeted - not by a single person, political group or religious sect - but by an unseen enemy who is trying to cripple us and prevent us from seeing the greater picture. Reconciliation can happen when we invite God to be a part of the ugliest situations. Healing can happen when we allow God to soften our hearts towards one another. Let's remember who the real enemy is, and begin showering each other with grace, humility, compassion and gentleness.