Off with the Old, On with the New

Fresh snow is gently falling outside. An old, over sized Syracuse sweatshirt keeps me feeling bundled up as the view out my window (along with the ice on the INSIDE window sill) makes me want to shiver. A warm cup of Peachberry Jasmine Sutra Green Tea warms me from the inside out. Switching from frappucinos to herbal tea is one of the small efforts I am making to help propel me down an unpaved path that hopefully leads to an "improved me" in this new year. (This being said, I still will require myself to occasionally indulge in Starbucks. But I must be honest - Lipton and other tea packet companies had me fooled all these years. I always thought tea was too bitter for my liking - but Teavana has captured my heart and along with its health benefits and superb flavor, I will carry on with tea as my new "inspirational" drink.)



Every January 1st brings about a desire for most people to become a new and improved person. I have always loved change. I enjoy meeting new people, trying new foods, taking the hiking trail I've never hiked before even though I know the other one has a gorgeous view... A fresh start has always appealed to my adventurous side. In the same way we reorganize our family room furniture every few years, buy new bedding when the stuff we've slept on for ten years finally seems out of date, or shop for new clothes even though we have plenty that fit and look just fine, we are constantly seeking something new. Something fresh. Change. A new mind set. A different perspective. We reinvent ourselves year after year, every January, with resolutions to lose weight, be happier, give more, take less, eat healthier, reconnect with old friends, forgive and forget... and the list goes on and on. I have my own list, of course, but its futile. I know this.

I think just the idea of having a fresh start is inviting. But if I am being honest, a long list of self-improvement goals is a difficult thing for me to tackle. I am set in my ways. No matter how loudly I declare to eat healthier this year, I will never forsake my couch date with Ben & Jerry at the end of most days. Ice cream is therapy to the weary soul of this stay at home mother of two wild little boys. If I am stranded on an island and get one food item to bring with me (and hopefully the option of a cooler) its going to be ice cream. I wonder why I long for newness... for things to be different... but yet cling so tightly to the things that require sacrifice in order for me to make the change I seek. I desire to be more patient with my boys but when an opportunity arises where I have the chance to extend them grace, I choose to be frustrated over my inconvenience. I long to cut back on spending money with the hopes of saving up for the building of our dream home, but every time I pass a Starbucks, grocery shop after watching the Food Network, or enter back into civilization (any place outside of this small farming community) my wallet becomes a life line to instant gratification. But above all, I desire to find more time in the day to set apart for Jesus - time for prayer, a devotion, Bible study - but my bed is far too warm and comfortable in the dark of the morning to drag myself out of it before the kids arise, and once my day starts, well forget it - between my interchanging roles as wife, mommy, chef, teacher, potty-trainer, maid, play-doh and finger painting supervisor, UFC Fighting - I mean - trampoline referee, gardener, and women's ministry coordinator, I can't even remember where I was going when I began this incredibly long sentence. My point being, by the end of the day, my head hits the pillow and I realize its the first thing I've done for myself all day. Just simply rest. It seems the only thing standing in my way of self-improvement is myself.

I wonder if I have had it wrong all these years. What if a long list of self improvement goals is not the answer to becoming the person I so desire to be? I know I can't do it all. I probably fail more than I succeed at anything. A long list of all the things I'd like to be but never can remember to embrace in the moment is a just a reminder of my failures. I just want a list that contains one thing. One thing that encompasses everything else. One choice - one decision that can impact every other choice, every thought, every desire and transform them into something that will inevitably shape me into the person I want to be. Into the person I was created to be.

One thing.

When I was in college, I first stumbled across this Scripture.

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Being the first born, rule follower that I was, and inhabiting a mentality that I will reap a reward when I do what I am told, I interpreted this verse to mean: "Follow God's rules and he will give you what you want." I was actively involved in college ministries all four years of my schooling, a camp counselor over the summers, a regular church attender, never missed a Sunday night College Life service, led a small group, prayed, journaled, the list goes on. With all the "good" things I was doing and the "perfect" Heather I was striving to be, I was surprised that I had so much strife and heartache during my four years at college. I prayed fervently for an unhealthy relationship to work itself out. I prayed fervently for God to reveal how he wanted me to use my art and psychology degree (while turning my head to the OBVIOUS ministry calling that was screaming in my face). I prayed fervently for things to remain the same when the world was changing around me. And the whole time I wondered... Why isn't God granting me my desires? Was I not doing everything the way I was supposed to? Was I not doing enough?

A few years later - married, working in full-time ministry, and a tad bit wiser - I came across this verse again. And just like He always does, God breathed new life into His Word. And I heard Him loud and clear - "When you live in my will for your life, Heather, you will want what I want for you. Your desires will become like Mine."

Bam. Hit me like a ton of bricks. It was never about what I wanted, but about what God wanted for me. And as I approach this new year, full of longings to be more of some things, less of others, better at this and stronger at that, this beautiful verse in Psalm calls attention to my heart once again. What if I could exchange my long list of ideals and desires for just one? One thing?

I have decided to scratch off every bullet point of my resolution list. Because without God directing my heart, my thoughts, my actions, my choices, my responses and reactions, I am setting myself up for constant failure with no hope of growth or change. Instead I am choosing one thing to strive for this year. And that is for my desires to be His. I am choosing Jesus this year. Jesus when I am arguing with my husband and feel like throwing a plate. Jesus when my kids are refusing to use the toilet like normal human beings. Jesus when the driver in front of me is going ten miles under the speed limit. Jesus when I walk past a store with a powerful lure. Jesus when I am exhausted and haven't opened my Bible all day. If Jesus is always my choice - simply uttering his Holy name - won't my actions that follow be a direct reflection of him and his desires for me? And if I screw up, and I know I will (its my MO), at least the "one thing" I have chosen is an extension of never-ending grace. Any failure has the potential to be followed by a growth spurt. I think this sounds a lot more attainable for me.

2014 has been a rough start for me. Sure there has been some stress at home, some abnormally cold weather that has induced cabin fever, and just the normal "winter blues" that have settled in for an unwanted and hopefully temporary stay. But I feel very unsettled. Plagued by something I can't identify. Like a storm brewing on a warm summer day - the sweet refreshing breeze turns into a hair-knotting wind, the clouds envelop the sun and the water pouring out of the sprinkler that is so refreshing and delightful begins leaving goose bumps on our arms and before we know it we are standing in the rain. I feel like Eeyore, standing under a rain cloud, wondering where it came from. I can't predict what this year has in store for me, but I know God has called me to live my life out in the sunshine. So, I am putting away my umbrella, letting the last few rain drops trickle across my forehead and stepping into the brilliant light of the Son, letting go of self-placed demands and expectations, and simply choosing one thing.

Jesus.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.   Colossians 3:17

The Perfect Gift

It's the most wonderful time of the year! The holiday season is in full swing everywhere you go. Twinkling lights grace the lamp posts in our quaint little snow-covered town. Wreaths with bright red bows adorn the doors of the shops. And who can ignore the gazillion commercials on TV, reminding us of everything we DON'T have but absolutely MUST have by December 25th? Rudolph and Frosty are the two most frequently watched shows in our house right now. At least 20 strands of lights are plugged into the electrical sockets of our house. The tree in our front yard serves as a beacon of light to every traveller making their way down our street. I'm sure Santa will thank us later for marking his landing strip so nicely.

And then, there is Tikki Tikki. Tikki Tikki joined our family last year when he first appeared the night of Thanksgiving. He is our stealth little elf, always moving about the house at night and surprising us the next morning with a new spot to observe our naughty and nice behavior. I have to hand it to him - Tikki Tikki knows how to dismantle an argument between Jack and Gabe without ever speaking a word or moving a muscle. His presence alone will cause the boys to "politely" remind each other that Santa will know about this particular sparring match, and the boys will promptly calm down and continue playing cordially. I really need to take lessons from this little elf. Jack reminds Tikki Tikki (who reports to Santa every night) that he wants a remote control El Chupacabra and a grain cart for his tractors. When Gabe is asked what present he wants for Christmas, his reply is, "A green one." Hopefully Tikki Tikki will find out what that means soon.

I can still reach back in my mind and just barely recall what that felt like... to believe. The magic of Christmas was such a powerful notion in my gentle childish heart. I remember staying awake as long as I possibly could on Christmas Eve, longing to hear sleigh bells in the sky.

Hope in something I couldn't see... faith that it would come like it did every year. Christmas.

When Eric and I were first married, we loved surprising each other with over the top gifts for Christmas... It was a competition. Now, if I am being honest, I typically beat Eric at, well, most things. Scrabble, P90X Ab Ripper, and the majority of our arguments are just a few examples. (He accepts this very well - or maybe he just lets me win - a good husband indeed.)  But never have I EVER beat him at Christmas. This man of mine knows how to shop - and does it very well. After the year I opened a new charm for my Pandora bracelet, a designer leather purse and a new kitchen aid mixer (which he informed me he had purchased at Kohl's without a coupon and I nearly had a heart attack), among other gifts, I had to beg him to tone it down the following year or else we'd need to take out a second mortgage. Luckily, the following Christmas we had a new little life to pour all of our love into, and our focus shifted from ourselves to our baby boy.

I absolutely love playing the role of Santa. Nothing brings me greater joy than to see my boys' faces light up with excitement and wonder. When they run into the family room to see cookie crumbs on Santa's plate and presents under the tree, their brilliant smiles and giggles bring tears of joy to my eyes. The magic of Christmas is affirmed every December 25th when dreams and wishes come true in the little hearts of those who believed. However, two years ago, after the presents had been opened and we had sung Happy Birthday to Jesus and blew out the candles on His cake, something didn't feel right.

A stirring began in my heart last year. Something was changing. When Eric asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I didn't have a reply. I couldn't come up with a list. There just wasn't anything I really wanted... or needed. I believe God started working in both Eric's and my heart at the same time. On a much needed date night, we sat and chatted over a delicious dinner about how blessed we were and both felt like we needed to shift our focus on what the holidays meant for us. We decided that we would choose to forgo our traditional gift-giving with each other and concentrate instead on giving to others in need. God prompted us to ignite a new ministry at our church, where a church family could adopt a local family in need and bless them with a Christmas dinner and gifts for the children. As Eric, Jack, Gabe and I walked down the aisles of the grocery store last year, the only items in our cart meant for another family, I was finally able to identify the growing discomfort in my heart.

Every year on Christmas I open presents on someone else's birthday. I tried imagining showing up to my own birthday party thrown by my friends and family where everyone was exchanging gifts with each other - but nobody had gotten ME anything! I am human, which means I am selfish. I admit it. As a tired, stay at home mom I can honestly say that when it's my birthday, I would prefer the day to be mostly about me. I mean, hey, it only happens once a year, right?

Last year Eric and I had followed God's calling to serve others, and it taught us in a mighty way that it is better to give than receive. But it wasn't until this holiday season that I fully understood why. I want desperately to give a gift to Jesus. A real, tangible birthday gift perfectly fit for a King. God revealed to me how to do so as He recently breathed new life in some Scripture I had read many times before.

           "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep and the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
           "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
           "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord,when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and cloth you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go visit you?"
           "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."    Matthew 25:31-40 (NIV)

I am certain that God is watching over us with great pleasure as we experience the joy of gift-giving on Christmas morning with our dearest family and friends. God is not human, which means He is NOT selfish in nature, and actually delights in watching others be generous and thoughtful with each other on the day we celebrate the birth of the most perfect and gracious gift ever given - His only Son, Jesus. But this Scripture brought me full circle. We are capable of bearing gifts to our King. He is not intangible. He is not unreachable.

Every time we donate a canned good to the local food pantry we aren't just feeding a hungry mouth. We are feeding Jesus. When we stuff a shoebox full of toys and socks and candy and crayons and send it to the other side of the world for children in third world countries to enjoy - we are blessing Jesus as well. When we go caroling in the nursing homes, spreading Christmas cheer, we are in fact singing for Jesus. When we wrap up toys and donate them to our local fire departments and hospitals, we aren't just giving hope to little hearts in despair, but we are clothing Jesus in thoughtful love. When we open up our homes to those who are lonely, forgotten about, (and what about the man that is always standing on the side of the road with the "will work for food" sign?)... we are inviting Jesus into the very heart of our home.

One of my all-time favorite Christmas songs is Sandi Patty's "The Gift Goes On." The song illuminates this never ending gift the Father has bestowed upon us. Essentially, in our desire to serve Jesus by feeding the hungry, visiting the sick, clothing the poor... we aren't just serving him, but rather being Jesus to a broken and hurting world. We are extending our gratitude towards our Father in heaven as we extend Jesus to those we encounter. What an amazing God we serve that works in such a glorious way.

Making Christmas an outward display of love (rather than inward and only blessing those in my close circles) is where the real magic of Christmas will reveal itself. People will start to believe again... having a hope in someone they can't see, and a faith in someone that will always come - every year, every month, every day, every moment our world seems to be falling apart, every time we are sad and weary, burdened... and overjoyed. Jesus. The most perfect gift.