When we see a movie, read a book, shop at a cute boutique, or eat a plate of fantastic food at our favorite restaurant, we have the immense pleasure and privilege of entering into someone else's actualized dream. I often don't think of the prep work that goes into experiencing the things I enjoy. But someone else dreamed up that story line and movie script, wrestled with the right words to put on the pages of that book, took a risk at creating an inspiring place for others, and diligently chopped and sliced and sauteed those veggies so we could savor every bite. For a while, I felt like the dream of building a home was always going to be out of reach. So much work needed to be done before we could get to the main event - moving into a beautiful, new home. But the preparation is everything, because without it, we would not be equipped to move forward and failure would be imminent.
And such is life. The past couple of years haven't been golden for me. In fact, until recently, I've probably identified with Eeyore more than Pooh - longing for the sweet taste of honey but stuck under a rain cloud that won't disappear. Postpartum depression is no joke. I was in a pretty dark place for several months after my youngest's birth. It was something unrecognizable, like a new dark shadow of someone whose face I couldn't see but whose voice was all I could hear. I couldn't explain my feelings and I couldn't shake them. I withdrew to the confines of my home and suffered alone. I would cry out to God but never listen for His voice. All I could focus on was my pain and the fact that I felt like I was drowning and losing myself to a dark, unnamed abyss.
I've always been a big dreamer. I have hopes and desires that have taken root in my heart and spread throughout my soul. They pull me and push me and drive me and inspire me. But during that dark season of struggle I could not see my dreams. They were a cloudy vision, turning to mist in a fog that had consumed my thoughts. I wanted to write. I wanted to paint. I wanted to create and inspire and laugh and find God's voice among the songs of the birds and His beauty among the blooming flowers... but I just couldn't. And because my dreams and creativity are tethered to my soul, I felt so lost and disconnected to myself and everyone else. I couldn't be a good wife or a good mother, or a good friend. But what I see now, as the fog is long gone, and the sun is shining brilliantly around me once again, is that my recent journey with depression was part of the preparation for what is coming my way.
The past two years have not been wasted. God is already using them. Even in the darkest moments, I continued with my Bible studies. Though I may have been broken, God's Word and training slipped through the cracks of my fractured heart and sustained me. God was equipping me - and still is - for whatever may come my way. My season of pain has been relabeled as behind the scenes work my God was doing and is still doing in me. I have sensed Him calling me to trust Him and I feel His steady hand in my life, reminding me...
"As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:10-11
As I watched the shovel break into the blanket of emerald green grass, cradling it in its jaws and dumping it into a messy pile, I saw the past two years of my life personified before me. God was digging out the things in my life that needed to be removed in order to build something new in me. He has been making my heart fertile again, ready for the seeds He intends to plant there. Depression had shifted my foundation, and God has been strengthening me by breaking up the things that had taken root in my life that were not supposed to be there. And though it was messy and painful and I felt lost and confused, I am starting to see His vision gently unfold before me, with much anticipation, hope and excitement. I have learned a lot about myself, my needs, and my God these past couple of years. I know, because He showed me, how to take better care of myself. And I've learned that no matter how hard and painful life can be, the more I lean into the pain, the more I lean into His chest where His arms are open to embrace me.
The work that happens behind the scenes is hard. It's tedious, boring at times, and can be unfulfilling, confusing and discouraging. But as I recognized that which God was doing in me, I was able to embrace it willingly, shifting my focus from the difficulty to the hugely anticipated main event - when I can say, "So this is what all that was for, huh, Lord?" I've come to appreciate this season of learning, where I sit at His feet and press in, like an eager student, wondering what truths will fall upon my ears. And as He builds me back up again, I'm confidently claiming my identity in Him.
