It wasn't until months later when she walked into one of my Bible Studies, that I had the chance to peel back the layers and get to know the girl behind the great smile. As her story fell upon my ears bit by bit, I felt drawn to her and the work I could clearly see God doing in her life. There are some stories that just scream at me - "God is here. He's at work HERE. Pay attention to what He is doing HERE." Those are the stories that pull me in, wanting to be close to the person who God is molding into a likeness of Him - because it draws me close to Him. And that is where I want to be.
Its a couple of years later, and her and I are sitting on my couch. Her youngest is climbing into her lap to play with her phone. I'm curled up with a pen in my hand, because the details are important. God is always in the details. And she pours it all out, with grace, love, power... and that smile.
I wasn't looking for a lump. I found it by coincidence, when Eli was only 6 months old, she begins. She took me back through the first weeks of her discovery. Through the first night she experienced with the knowledge that she had breast cancer. How she held her babies in their beds and sobbed, fearful of the unknown future, envisioning the letters she would need to write and the videos she would need to film so her kids could remember her, when she was gone. She took me through the days where she just cried and cried, mourning a loss that had not yet happened, not understanding that she could have a good prognosis. Then there were the days filled with tests and more tests which rolled into days after days of treatment. There was a whirlwind of busyness that left her demanding,"What is being taken from me?" But she only had her mind to wrestle with the answer.
And then there was the hair cut. A pivotal moment, as her hair was long and shiny and pumped full of prenatal vitamins. The physical landscape of her identity transformed before her eyes, leaving her caught in a web of change. Wigs brought her insecurity. Scarves served her better. But at the end of the day, I would look in the mirror and feel so ugly, she explains. She longed for her old self, but every day that passed as she pressed on deeper and deeper into her journey with cancer, left her feeling further from her self. She felt like she was in constant fight mode, anger simmering... just beneath the smile.
She fought, though, with both fists up and her whole self in the fight - and beat the cancer. She explains that though she was physically healed, she was still emotionally wrecked. The girl she saw in the mirror was not the same girl she knew when the journey began. All she wanted to do was go back to normal, be her old self, and claim the Abbie that once was. Jealousy consumed her, as she battled with the reality that the change that occurred only kept propelling her forward, not restoring her to her former self. The choice to have more children had been seized from her. Her short hair and her medications stripped her of her femininity. She lost control over her emotions. Her marriage suffered. She was full of anger that this had become her story. And her reflection in the mirror continued to be unyielding to familiarity.
She had been made new on the outside. But not the inside. Not yet.
Abbie couldn't keep going on fueled by anger. Eventually she came to the realization that she couldn't go back to the way things use to be, and she made a new goal - a goal to purposefully and intentionally live a new life. She found her way to church, through the invitation of a friend, and committed her life to Christ after she sat through the first sermon. She didn't like asking for help, but knew she couldn't do everything by herself anymore - the burden wasn't meant for her to carry alone. If she was going to claim a new life moving forward, she needed to let go of the old one for good. Motivated towards embracing this new life, she firmly planted herself in church and Bible studies and surrounded herself with people that would speak truth and grace into her life. And she grew.
God saved my life. He saved me from the depths of despair. I was about to go into counseling, but instead I started going to church. God saved me some money too. She laughed and stroked her little boy's head as he snuggled in her lap. I ask her how she has seen God show up in her life since she has invited Him to be a part of it. I see things differently now. My heart has changed. Now, as I wait for test results, I have hope... hope in a greater plan. God is also working in different areas of my life where I have been holding on to negative emotions, like my relationship with my brother. She pauses in thought. When people used to tell me their cancer diagnosis was a blessing, I thought they were crazy. But if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have gone to church or met people who pray for each other. There was something bigger out there for me all along. This is what God chose, and it enriched my life.
I see Abbie with her son, sitting across from me, no fear in her eyes. No more thoughts of letters and videos. It began with a radical transformation on the outside. The Potter took the clay that He adoringly called ABBIE and carefully reworked it. He molded every edge, smoothed every lump. The clay looked different as He turned it over in His hands, however, it was meant to fulfill a different purpose now. The life of the vessel was changing too, and the proper changes needed to be made in order to accommodate His intended purpose for it. The exterior was transforming, as He worked and stretched the clay, paying attention to every detail. He took the old clay and made it new again, breathing life into every bit of it. And there He sat, admiring His work - a beautiful masterpiece reflecting His glory and sovereignty. His Abbie.
I see the beauty of Abbie's story in her smile. The way God worked through something so difficult and unwanted. The way He brought healing to so many areas in her life - through a physical sickness. The confidence that she has to share her story with others, bringing hope and sharing her faith. I asked her what she would say to anyone else struggling with emotional heartache post cancer. She looked at me and said with certainty, You're not going to go back to your old self afterwards, and that's okay. Cancer took a lot away from me, but I choose to be happy and grateful. I find myself in everyday situations, like moments where the boys are playing, and I close my eyes... and a peace washes over me.
Abbie's story brings me so much comfort. Her life is a spectacular reflection of God's good work. And I am so blessed by her friendship and thankful for the lessons that God has taught her... so that she can teach me.
