Lost and Found

February. In my opinion, its the worst month of the year. Winter seems to be dragging on and on and on... We have already seen at least ten rounds of sickness cycle through our house. Cabin fever has made itself very comfortable in our midst. A slight brushing of one shoulder against another can lead to an all out brawl on the kitchen floor between my two eldest, usually resulting in tears and time outs. And this is the month I begin to crave my garden tomatoes. Like, dreaming of ways to incorporate them into every meal. I find myself wishing for summer, when the cavemen that live in my house can get OUT of the house and I can enjoy fresh garden veggies and raspberries right off the bush in my back yard.

Here's the thing. In the month I hate the most, during a season that mirrors my emotions and ragged outlook, I feel like I am being pulled out of hibernation early. I can't explain it. I recently wrote about spiritual gifts and how I feel like God is rekindling my desire to tap into my own, to use what I haven't used in such a long time, to bring glory to His name. I literally feel like I am waking up from a really long nap, no, maybe a coma, to something I have been missing and needing for so long.

I love staying home with my kids all day. One of the best parts of my day is walking into Sammy's room in the morning, peeking over the railing of his crib, and watching his sweet little mouth as it turns into a wide toothless grin as he recognizes his momma coming to get him. I could play games all day with Gabe - Candy Land, Memory, Old Maid, Go Fish, I Spy, Bingo, the list goes on. We laugh and giggle and make pillow forts on the couch. We make up stories where we are the main characters lost in a foreign land made of candy and fly around on top of clouds and hang out with dragons and friendly monsters. Sammy keeps me company with his goo-ing and ah-ing while I fold the laundry. And sometimes I like to pretend that I am a budding chef cooking for the four toughest food critics in the world and the meal I am preparing will determine the fate of my future (in some cases, this is a reality). My day to day life is a blessing, a gift, an honor, a joy. The endless poopy diapers, spit up on my favorite shirt, countless loads of laundry, crusty dirty dishes from four days ago, and inability to have a personal thought - well, I don't really give those a second thought (probably because the inability to have a personal thought prevents me from doing so, but anyways...). I press on, doing what I love, loving who God has entrusted me with.

And then there is this burning in my heart. Heather, there is more. What do you mean, more??? I am exhausted. I have no time. I have no life outside of the walls of my home!! My boys just had to go to school wearing clothes out of their hamper - how can I fit more into my life right now? I want all of you. Um, I am SPENT. I give ALL of myself to everyone around me!! I wake up to a hungry baby, and then I am getting kids out the door for school. The day starts before I even have time to think about my plans for the day! Remember, Heather. Remember Me. And, like a car driving head first into a brick wall, the revelation hit me.

In the weirdest way possible.

I watched this video clip of a darling celebrity couple - Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell - who made a silly, lip synched music video while on a vacation (you can watch it here). As I watched it, a few things happened. First, the song triggered an instant memory. I listened to Toto's 80's hit Africa while riding across the South African landscape in a bus with some college peers. Springbok lept through the grasslands just outside the bus windows. I remember the moment well - like Joy put it in the Disney Movie Inside Out, we all have core memories that are vital to the development of our personalities. This trip to Africa played an important part in awakening my passion for racial reconciliation in this world, and this particular moment in time bonded me and that beautiful country together for life. The second thing this adorable music video did for me was help me remember. I had Eric watch the video too, and we both laughed... hard. Once upon a time, we were silly with each other. Then life happened. So many grown up moments sobered us up and we forgot one of the things that we used to enjoy so much about each other - our ability to be goofy and uninhibited. We could make each other laugh so hard our stomachs hurt. Eric can NOT dance like anyone else I know, and I love him for it. The watching of this music video inspired us to pull out a video we had a friend make for our wedding. In our video, Eric and I talk about our upbringings, how we met, our proposal, and our dreams and plans for the future. We showed our boys, who laughed at how young we both looked. Eric and I locked eyes over our giggling children a few times, laughing as we recalled fond memories, and exchanging a sweet smile when we both realized we were living out our dreams. We were remembering. Remembering what God called us to do. Remembering the reason we fell in love with each other. Getting glimpses of ourselves 12 years ago and recognizing how much we've grown... and how we've stayed the same.

I think I kind of lost myself for a while. I've been trudging through a winter season of my own, for quite a while now, and I hear God calling me to WAKE THE HECK UP. I can't just go through each day, forgetting the things He made me passionate about. Yes, He absolutely has called me to the joys of motherhood and I love every minute of it - well, maybe I don't LOVE blow out diapers, snotty noses and sassy mouths - but you get the idea. He wants me to do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him (Col 3:17). I know I am fulfilling God's current calling in my life.

I am passionate about my family - about loving and giving every ounce of myself to my sweet husband and three precious boys. Oh, and if you mess with my kids or insult my husband in any way, I am just as passionate about putting on my Mama Bear outfit and setting you straight. If you are a momma, you can agree - it takes very little by way of insult or offense to get your blood pumping in defense of your kids. My husband has come home from work with tales of others' disrespect for him and I found myself rolling up my sleeves before he even finished his story. That's passion. But I am passionate about other things as well, and its those things that I feel like God is awakening me to. He's asking me to fan the flames of some all but forgotten passions that have the power - when fully ablaze - to light me on fire with a burning desire to act in some capacity. As Eric and I continue with plans to move forward with adoption in the future, God has been fanning the flame of racial reconciliation. As I observe the constant combat between women and a degrading culture, my passion for drawing other women into Bible study and teaching God's truth as a weapon is seeming paramount. My love for food and cooking has grown a desire to invite others to gather around my table often. And something I have done both with and without Eric - is serving the Lord in the mission field in various countries around the world. I miss travelling and absorbing the beauty and culture of all of the stunning groups of people God has created. Standing shoulder to shoulder with those in a distant land, singing the same song to Jesus but in different tongues, sets my heart on fire.

I don't believe these passions are a thing of the past. My college class that explored the history of South Africa, racism and reconciliation which led to my journey through that beautiful country thirteen years ago has played a part of equipping me for something... and I might only be starting to understand the magnitude of what that something is. It was inspiring to watch that video of Eric and I, as we sat on a plaid blue couch in his parent's old farmhouse, doe-eyed and optimistic, as we vocalized our big dreams. We haven't strayed from that moment - that sweet, fun night as we laughed during takes and tried to get through our stories without forgetting our punch lines. We are still the same Eric and Heather. Our passions that fueled us back then, still fuel us now. Our dreams have come to life. Our plans have worked themselves out, maybe not in the exact way we thought they would, but better - with a richness and depth that life lessons bring. As I gaze at my precious children, I wonder what will they be passionate about? Missions? Serving others? What will make their hurts burn and push them to fight? Racial inequality? Social injustice? What am I teaching them to care about? What I am showing to them that matters? How do I fuse my passions and my day job as a stay at home momma?

As a parent, I invest a lot into my children. I bring them to children's museums and zoos and Disney World and the beach and play dates and art classes and soccer games and church and private school and many other one of a kind experiences that I hope will enrich their lives and help them discover who they are and what they are good at. I imagine God feels the same way, in the way He has brought me through my life, enriching me, teaching me, and enjoying the moments where He gets to surprise me and I cry with excitement. God has made an investment in me, from the day I was born, and NOTHING - no memory, moment, experience, or lesson - is wasted. He is calling me to remember who I am, because in doing so, it reminds me of who He is.

He is a passionate God. He longs for racial reconciliation among His children. He loves His children, no matter the color of their skin, because He doesn't look at outward appearance, He looks at their heart. He has a heart for those struggling with poverty. He teaches us in His Word that whatever we do for the least of these - the hungry, the thirsty, the needy - we do for Him. He has a heart for missions. His Word tells us that the feet of those who bring good news are very beautiful indeed.

God wants more of me. I think I got caught up in the busyness of day to day living, and forgot about the world around me... and the bigger role I play in it. My prayer today is that the fire in my soul would burn... so bright that it spreads to others like a rapid wildfire, unable to be extinguished or controlled. May this cold, dreary winter fade away into a brilliant summer blooming and bursting with colorful passion.

Gracious Gifts

When I was 5 years old, I would sneak into my parent's bedroom, locate my mother's bright red nail polish that she didn't carefully hide in the top drawer of her dresser, and slide under her wooden bed. Several minutes later a shiny new masterpiece could be found painted on the bed frame... a secret little work of art. I am so thankful for a mom who - despite her shellacked bedroom furniture - recognized my love of and giftedness for art at a young age and encouraged me to use my artistic talents throughout my life. Along with my love for drawing and painting, came my passion for writing. In middle school I enjoyed creating short stories, and illustrations to go right along with them. It was quite obvious that I was a "right side of the brain" kind of girl, and as I grew older and painted my way through an art major in college, my talents continued to strengthen.

I majored in art because I loved to be creative and express myself through different mediums. I minored in psychology because I enjoyed working with people... and I wanted to have a job when I graduated. I was able to use my psychology background for a couple of jobs, and occasionally an opportunity would arise that allowed me to tap into my creative side. However, once I had my first sweet little child, my art easel and everything else I could pour onto it, got relocated to the basement. There just was no time for creativity to sprout.

I grew up in a church where speaking in tongues was occasionally seen. Beautiful, angelic voices would belt out hymns and songs of praise on Sunday mornings. Every now and then I tuned in to the sermons about spiritual gifts... wondering what mine were... or if I had any. My mother always encouraged me by telling me to use my gifts... but were my loves for drawing and writing something that God gave to me to use to glorify Him?

Absolutely. In fact, that is exactly why He gave them to me.

It wasn't until my job as a youth minister that I discovered how I could use my gifts to glorify my Heavenly Father. I recall hearing Louie Giglio speak at a National Youth Workers Convention and he said something that completely reshaped my view of worship - at the end of the day, worship is simply our response to the greatness of God. As I chewed on that nugget of revelation, I realized that by NOT using my gifts to glorify Him, I was in fact withholding worship from the God I so aimed to please.

In 1 Corinthians 12:4-7 the apostle Paul tells us, "There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good." The Greek word for gifts in this context is charisma, which is "a divine gratuity... a favor which one receives without any merit of his own. It is a gift of grace, a gift involving grace (charis) on the part of God as the donor" (Strong's). Paul continues on to discuss how a body is one unit, made up of many parts that function together as a whole - every body part playing a vital role, and not being able to function at its best without the other parts. So it is with us as Christians. As the church, we are members of the body of Christ, and each of us plays a crucial role essential to the church body. The following Scripture instructs us in how to use our gifts.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 says, "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I posses to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." My NIV Bible uses the word love in this chapter. The KJV uses the word charity in the case of love. Charity in this context is derived from the Greek word agape, and literally translates into "a love-feast." Agape love is described as the love and attitude God has for His Son.

Any gift or talent we have is God-given. Our spiritual gifts are a manifestation of His Spirit in us, which He bestows upon us with the intention of us using them to edify one another and build up the church. No spiritual gift offered up to the heavens will be received unless it is given in pure, selfless charity... a love feast... a response of worship to God's awesome greatness in our lives.

A couple of years ago, I was asked to paint during the worship segment of our Sunday morning church services. It was in those moments, when I was singing out loud and praising the Lord with each stroke of my paint brush, that I felt like I was worshipping Him with everything I had. My paintings were my love-feast to Him.

My boys gave me a coloring book for Christmas. I dusted off my box of colored pencils that hadn't seen any action since my college years, and began to reconnect with a part of myself that had been dormant for quite some time. As I have been coloring the pages of this book, I feel God stirring my heart to use my gifts... to remember why I had them in the first place. With a five month old and a five year old at home during the day, it is difficult to get the laundry done and dinner on the table at a reasonable hour. My world is consumed by three precious little lives that are dependent upon my own, and a husband whom I love dearly. But, and I mean BUT - God DID give me unique abilities that I am meant to use to bring Him glory. I'm praying now that He leads me in the way He wants me to use them. My head is filled with words to pour out and my fingers are itching to draw and shade and paint and color...

Lord, use me.

References: The New Strong's Exhaustive Expanded Concordance of the Bible. Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2010.