What? Why is my alarm going off at this ungodly hour? Then it sunk in...
It's Jack's first day of kindergarten.
My heart jumped in my throat as I clenched my pillow. The tears rushed to my eyes. Lord, protect him. Always stay by his side. Bring him wonderful, Christ loving friends. Fill his teacher's heart with grace for him. Give him confidence and peace, help him focus, keep his mind open. Bless him today. Amen.
I have been dreading this day, I'm not going to lie. I have spent almost every day of his almost six years of life with him. What is a stay at home momma to do when her first born starts going to school all day? I've had an emotional couple of weeks leading up to today. I began coaching myself with a little chorus I wrote... I'm sure you can guess the tune.
Let him go! Let him go!
Can't hold him back anymore!
Let him go! Let him go!
Let him walk through every door!
The only thing I remember from my first day of kindergarten was the little girl sitting next to me. She was wearing a frilly red dress and white wool stockings. And she peed her pants. I can't tell you a THING about my first year in school other than that. Dear Lord, please help Jack to remember to use the bathroom every now and then. Amen.
I finally climbed out of bed. It took little effort, since I knew I needed to bring my A game this morning. I was standing outside his door when he emerged, sleepy eyed and rubbing his tired head. I embraced him and we sat on his bed for a minute and prayed together. As he got dressed, I couldn't help but be proud of this handsome little boy standing before me. Perhaps one or two tears mingled with his eggs, but eggs need a little salt anyway so it was okay. As he was eating, I asked him what he was excited to learn about. "I don't think we are going to learn about tractors, are we," he said with a smile.
We gathered up his bags and supplies and headed out the door, pausing for a quick picture.
Then Eric, myself, Jack and Gabe sat on the front porch step and put our arms around Jack. Daddy prayed for Jack's day and first year of school. We piled into the car, excitedly talking about all the fun things that would probably happen in Jack's day. We walked into school together. As I walked behind Jack, with his John Deere book bag hanging off his back and his tractor lunch box in his hand, I could feel the tears wanting to push their way out. Someone somewhere was praying for me then, because the tears never surfaced.
We walked into his classroom. He knew right where to go. He hung up his bags and sat behind his desk. He glanced over his shoulder to eye the other kids in the class. He smiled at them, then turned to look at me.
Eric and Gabe hung back by the classroom door. Gabe called out, "I'm going to miss you, Jack!" Jack smiled, ready to go, already opening the book that had been carefully placed on his desk. It was time.
I approached the door, wanting to stay but excited for him and this milestone. I could have lost it in the gym, but somebody else, somewhere, was praying for me, and I held it together. Gabe and I headed over to our favorite bakery in town for a date to celebrate the special time the two of us would have together now. I knew I needed to be in a public place or else I would probably be home sobbing. We ran into many friends while eating our treats, who were full of hugs and smiles. I was actually shocking my friends with the fact that I hadn't actually cried yet. I was shocking myself.
Now here I sit, typing and doing puzzles and playing Chutes and Ladders with my three year old. There is no fighting in the house. Weird. I miss my little five year old. I wonder what he is doing right now? I've been asking myself... what are my fears? Besides simply letting him go... letting him move forward to the next season of his life... what are the thoughts that are nagging at me? I suppose I worry that he won't be accepted. Will he be teased? Will he struggle to understand things? I love this kid SO much. And as I sit here and type this, I know - that my love isn't enough for him.
For the past five years I have held an umbrella of protection over him. I suppose, I have known deep down, that all the while the Lord has been holding an umbrella of protection over the both of us - our entire family, actually. Psalm 121 tells me that the Lord watches over us always - He never slumbers. He watches over our coming and going and will keep us from all harm. Today as Jack walked out from under my own umbrella, I felt peace knowing that he was still standing under God's protection.
This process of letting Jack go has reminded me that the only way he is going to get to know and form a relationship with the Lord is if I give him the independence to do so. My love runs deep for my children but it cannot save them. Only God's love can do that. As hard as it is to be separated from him this first day, I am excited to bear witness to God's work in his life and how Jack will begin to lean less on me and lean more on Him.
Last night I had a hard time falling asleep. Too many worries running through my head. Pen and paper usually help, so I busted out some poetry to sort my thoughts...
When I drop him off and leave, will he notice? Will he care?
That is ever lovin' momma is no longer there?
What about his teacher? Will she get him? Will she see?
The smart, sweet little boy I always know him to be?
When he opens his lunch bag, will he feel loved?
Will it be the First Day of School lunch he's always dreamed of?
Will he fit right in and make lots of friends?
Will he be sad when his first day of school ends?
Will he make it through the day without needing a nap?
Will I make it through the day without being a sap?
Will he always remember that his momma loves him so?
Will he always remember that God loves him more?
I pray, Dear Lord, that you hold on to him tight.
I trust you will never let him out of your sight.
Teach Him your Word, let it dwell in his heart.
Remind him often that you will never be apart.
Thank you Father, for the gift of this sweet boy.
He is so special and has brought me much joy.
May He serve You well.
May he be a mighty arrow in Your hands.
May he look to You always.
Amen.
