Peace in the Storm

There are some days you just don't forget. Days that impact your life - sculpting your destiny. Days that leave a mark on your soul, which reappear in stories, scrapbooks, newspapers and memorials. These days are full of detail - the recollection of smells, sounds, and feelings not too far from memory's reach. April 3, 2004 - my wedding day. November 18, 2008 - the day I became a mother. I remember these days so well, as if I can just pop a DVD into my brain and view the moments within them at any time.

Then there are those days that cling to our memories - days we wish we could forget.

I woke up to the phone ringing. I stumbled out of bed, barely making out my roommate's mother's words as she urged me to turn on the TV. I stood in awe and fear as I watched the World Trade Center dissolve in ashes, with the date - September 11, 2001 flashing across the ticker on the bottom of the news screen.

Some days are beautiful - full of fun and wonder. Other days are the eye of the storm, a storm that perhaps has been raging for quite some time and we wonder if we will make it to the next day. I am quite blessed to say that - ER trips and health scares aside - my story as a wife and mother does not have too many pages that contain days I wish to forget. Because even on the toughest days, I still saw God's hand in delivering us through it.

I shared briefly in my very first blog post about how I never had intended on becoming a farmer's wife. Farming was NOT in the cards for me. EVER. Or so I thought. I was clinging to the false illusion my darling fiancé had drawn for me... we would live happily ever after somewhere not near Illinois farm country where he grew up. He pinky swore.

Every year, at harvest time, he would venture back home to help out his dad and brother on the farm for a couple of weeks. I figured it was really good for him to stay connected with his "old way of life," envisioning that our "someday" children would love visits to the farm to experience tractors and combines and corn and things like that. After one of his yearly trips, he came home and told me that he felt called to move up north and farm with his family. The music stopped. Puppies everywhere were sad. WHAT. "Who called you?" I remember asking. "Are you sure it was God? He knows who you are married to!!!"

We had been married for a few years at this point, with no kids in tow just yet. I told Eric I would "pray" that God would call me to be a farmer's wife IF He was, in fact, calling Eric to be a farmer. And we would just see about that.

Well, several years and two kids later, things had started to change. By "things" I mean, my heart. Eric's desire to move back home to farm country had grown stronger. So had my resistance. I was adamant that God was most definitely NOT calling me to be a farmer's wife. I enjoyed Starbucks and easy trips to Target. What would the boys do without the splash pad at Bridge Street? Life was good in Huntsville, Alabama. But... actually it wasn't. 2010 was a rough year. Eric and I weren't seeing eye to eye on this whole moving situation. I had been hurt by a particular situation at the church we had been attending, so we were hopping from church to church on Sundays, and certainly not consistently. Relationships were changing all around me, and for no apparent reason. I was growing restless, and couldn't attribute it to anything. I began to feel isolated and disconnected from my own dream. What was my life shaping out to be?

It finally hit me one day that I was growing discontent with living in Alabama. I complained about the dang fire ants every day, couldn't stand the heat in the summer and missed snow in the winter. I remember praying one night, asking God why I was so miserable, and heard a response ever so clearly. I wasn't going to be "called" to be a farmer's wife. That was going to happen when I submitted to my husband and allowed him to be the spiritual leader of this family. By not submitting to my husband's leadership, I was being disobedient to God. And God was allowing me to grow discontent right where I was at. He got my attention, loud and clear. I remember the moment when I told Eric that I would agree to move up north and begin a country life. And immediately, our prayers shifted from a big IF to a big WHEN.

Now I need to interject here, that even though I had submitted - both to God AND my husband - I was still kicking and screaming about it. This wasn't an easy choice to make, and a huge part of it was because I'd be leaving my own family behind in Huntsville. My mother and I are extremely close, and the thought of living that far away from her was just about unbearable. Of course the Lord knew all of this, and that's why he very carefully and deliberately placed Kelly Minter's Bible study on the book of Ruth in my hands, in April of 2011. As I dug into this study, I felt myself identifying with Ruth's story. A woman - an outsider - lost her husband but remained faithful to her widowed mother-in-law, Naomi. At a pivotal point in Ruth's story where she has a choice to stay with her own family, or follow Naomi back to a new and foreign place, Ruth made a plea Naomi couldn't refuse.

"Don't urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me."   Ruth 1:16-17

As my eyes fell on these verses I saw flashes of my own life intertwined within them. I felt confidence, for the first time, that God was really calling our family to Illinois. Ruth - a pilgrim with reflections of my own heart - her story written on the pages of the Book I trusted more than any other, was leading me towards the life I was destined to live. As I unraveled this book of the Bible verse by verse, I felt myself awakening to the possibility that this life I was being called to might be... a really good thing. As I gained peace about the decision to move, Eric and I looked ahead for possibilities of when this move could happen. Finances, a very poor housing market, and uncertainty as to where we would live once we moved (if we could even sell our house), pointed us towards the following year at the earliest. The idea that we would make the move soon - as in a few months - wasn't even a possibility as far as we both were concerned.

It was the end of April. Spring was in the air. The Bradford Pear trees were in bloom and an array of colorful tulips were brilliantly stretching towards the sun. Eric was needed at the farm to help with the planting season. I couldn't go with him because Gabe, who was 7 months old at the time, had an appointment with a specialist in Nashville that we couldn't miss. So, Eric took Jack with him to the farm for the week, and left Gabe and I behind in our cozy little house. After three days of precious mommy and baby bonding, along came one of those days...

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I woke up to the sound of storm sirens blaring. It was 5:something in the morning. I did what I always did when I heard the sirens - I turned on the TV. The weatherman mentioned strong winds and heavy rain, and if I am being honest, NOTHING ever came of any of these storms. The sirens went off almost every week during the spring and even in the fall at times. I was pretty much numb to them. I turned the TV on mute, eyes still fixed on the small little blob of red moving across the screen, and drifted back to sleep.

A hungry baby woke me up not too long after the sirens went off. And then the sirens went off again. And again. By 8:30 am, the sirens had screamed five different times. A huge storm passed through mid morning, knocking trees down in our neighbor's yards and covering the ground with hail that measured over an inch wide. After this storm passed, I collected some of the hail in my hand and sent a picture of them to Eric. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and the ground was white with ice. I'd never seen anything like it. I decided after this crazy and relentless weather, that it might be a good idea to sit at the table with a cup of hot chocolate and do my Bible study for the day. I'm so thankful I did.

My study for the day was titled, "Arriving : A Hopeful Glimmer." At this point in the study, Ruth and Naomi were arriving at their new destination. For Naomi, it was a home she had left long ago, for Ruth it was new and unfamiliar. I was prompted with a question: "Have you prayed or waited for something for a long season? If so, have you seen a glimpse - no matter how small - that God is working?" As I thought about the number of years Eric and I had spent in prayer about whether or not farming was a lifestyle meant for us, I read the portion of the study that brought Ruth to her new home in Bethlehem as the barley harvest was beginning. As harvest was beginning... these words settled on my brain like magical pixie dust and before I knew what I was doing or saying I had Eric on the phone and was informing him of the revelation I just had. We would be living in Illinois by harvest time. I felt it in my bones. There was no doubt in my mind. God had given me a picture that exploded in my mind like a watercolor painting in motion. I saw me and my boys, watching Eric in the fields as he harvested the corn. God had given me a glimpse. A hopeful glimmer.

As I wrapped up my study and went about the rest of my day, I felt such peace. I couldn't believe it. We'd be moving in just a few months. How would all this work out? I had no idea, but for the first time in years, I knew it was right. I knew it was from God.



By 2:30 in the afternoon, another hail storm has passed. The sirens had wailed at least six more times. My parents were coming over for dinner, so I had just finished searing a beautiful roast, drowned it in some really good wine in my dutch oven, threw in some fresh rosemary and thyme and placed it in the oven. The house smelled AMAZING. At 4pm, I was on the phone with my mom when the sirens went off for the 14th time that day. As I was speaking to her, I lost power in the house. She informed me that she had lost power too. There went the roast. I hung up with her just as my phone died and went to peek in on Gabe, who was asleep in his room. I headed for the window in my bedroom which gave me the best eastern view of the sky. My heart stopped beating.

The sky was an eery fluorescent green color, with a long, dark gray cloud that cut straight across the horizon like the blade of a knife. The cloud then dipped drastically towards the ground, making contact with the earth in a place I could not see. I ran through the house to look out the front windows but the rain was hitting the house sideways like someone was standing in front of it with a fire hose and I couldn't see a thing. The rhythm of the wind pushing against the house was like that of a propeller blade - a whoosh, whoosh, whoosh... relentless and strong. Panic set in quickly. We had nowhere to go. Our ranch style house was sitting on a slab of concrete. I stood in the middle of my living room, watching the tall oak trees in my back yard bend and sway. It was as dark as night outside.

Lord, is this it? Is that a tornado out there? We have nowhere to go... nowhere to stay safe. God, please protect us!! Anchor the trees in our yard. Don't let them fall on us. Lord, keep the walls of our house strong! Jesus, please protect us!

I remember crying as I prayed, the words pouring out with fear and worry. And then it hit me like a wave and washed over me from head to toe... peace. The storm was raging outside, the pictures on the walls rattling... but my heart was still. And I heard Him whisper to me...

Did I not just give you a glimpse of where you will be at harvest time?

Yes. Yes, He had given me a glimpse! I saw ALL of us in that glimpse. We were all there, standing amidst the harvest that my husband was currently sowing. Tears of fear turned to tears of relief, and I knew in that moment that Gabe and I were going to be ok. That hopeful glimmer was all I needed.

The wind eventually died down. The power did not turn back on. The F5 tornado that just missed our house by 1/2 a mile had been on the ground for over a hundred miles. Gabe and I spent the night in a quiet house lit by every Yankee candle I owned. The following morning, upon hearing that the northern part of Alabama was in a state of emergency and would be without power for at least five days, I packed up the only cooler we owned with every bag of breast milk I had in the freezer and made the nine hour trek up north to be with my husband.

As I drove past the leveled and obliterated houses that I had passed every day for the past several years, I wept. This all was too close to home. An older man, a grandfather perhaps, stood in the middle of some rubble that used to be a bedroom. A partial wall still stood, painted purple. He shifted a large piece of debris and found a doll that he handed to a little girl standing beside him. I had a long, emotional conversation with God during that cross-country drive. I was wrestling with some big questions and raw emotions. But I settled on the fact that our God is a good God. The same God that delivered peace and protection to me and my child during that storm would deliver peace and provision to the families who lost everything.

Three years later, I am experiencing God's faithfulness to the glimpse he gave me on that day. Not only are we all here, living in a quaint little farming community, but we are living that life ABUNDANTLY. We are so blessed here! The very life I was so resistant to claim, was the life that would bring me more joy and purpose than I could ever imagine. Today I am thankful for a God who knows me better than I know myself. I am also thankful for the storms I have experienced. Without them, I wouldn't have seen God's deliberate and protective hand weaving my story into His.

The Big Ten



April 3, 2004. Blue skies all around. Church bells chiming in a melodic tune. Every person who had loved me and whom I had loved during my 23 years of life on Earth was within an arms reach. It was my wedding day and a perfect day it was. A few moments stand out to me. My favorite part of the day was right after Eric and I were announced as husband and wife, and we walked hand in hand down the aisle. We snuck into a quiet room in the back of the little chapel and just held each other and cried. It was official - we would be together forever and live in eternal wedded bliss. At the reception, I danced with my brother (ten at the time) who told me I looked beautiful. I remember thinking that he was such a precious, sweet little boy and I knew I just had to have one like him someday. Now I have two beautiful, tenderhearted boys that tell me I am beautiful every day. I also recall watching my groom's grandparents tango to Def Leppard at the reception. I'm sure I was admiring their young hearts and hoping that someday I'd have the chance to get to know them better. We are currently living in their house. Ten years later today, as I sit and reflect on the incredible journey my marriage has taken me through, I have challenged myself to think of the ten biggest lessons I have learned while enduring my "eternal wedded bliss."

1. We are polar opposites, and that is why we work together so well.

When Eric and I were busy falling in love in college, I think we may have been "love" blinded to our natural differences in our personalities. I'm sure this happens a lot with new love. Eric and I had (and have) so many common interests and beliefs, that, personalities aside, we clicked naturally. It wasn't until the first year of marriage began to unfold for us, that we discovered just how different we were from each other. I am the East. He is the West. POLAR opposites.



Halloween 2001 (Oh, the irony of this picture.)

He's outgoing, and I am shy. He wants to take risks when I want to play it safe. I am a flighter and he is a FIGHTER. But just as quick as he is to fight, he wants to resolve things quickly, where as I tend to hold on to things. He is more likely to be spontaneous, and I tend to appreciate planning things out first. I am quite alright with waiting for things (like... a sign from God that we are supposed to do something), where as he will jump in feet first into whatever thing I am wanting to wait on. His idea of a relaxing "family" weekend is letting the kids run around the yard while he builds a deck, or a tree house, or a dining room table... and for me its going on a picnic, then a hike, then stopping for ice cream on the way home. You get the idea. 

What has brought me to appreciate these differences over the years is that these extreme opposites have helped us find a middle ground where something productive happens. Growth. We challenge each other to be better versions of ourselves. He alone has the ability to draw me out of my comfort zone when we are in big groups of people. His desire to fight with me keeps me from withdrawing, and my desire to withdraw keeps him accountable to the way we work out our conflicts. His spontaneity brings adventure to our marriage, where as my planning enables us to do more (because we have reservations). Our opposites become a big strength in our marriage because they keep us working together, as a team. We bring two different thought patterns to the table, allowing us to see every situation we find ourselves in with a well rounded approach to resolution. Because we are in synch with our faith which guides us, our opposite natures have proven to be a blessing to us both by constantly pushing us outside of ourselves, into the arms of a Father who unifies us.

2. Forgiveness isn't an option - its a command.

We've already discovered that I am a flighter and Eric is a fighter. In the first year of marriage this proved to be an impossible obstacle to surpass. I am not a confrontational person, and I HATE fighting. When things get bad, I end them. Why put myself through pain and difficulty that isn't necessary? This was my mindset for many years. And with some situations, it still is. I may be able to walk away from certain unhealthy relationships that aren't bearing fruit in my life, but I can NOT walk away from my husband and just end things. Now I need to clarify something - when I label Eric a fighter, I am illuminating his desire to work out the conflict right there on the spot. As a flighter, I tend to walk away and close the door, give the matter some thought, cry, wish I locked my bedroom door after grabbing my phone so I had someone to call. Neither approach to conflict was healthy, and began yielding some resentment in our marriage.

We began marriage counseling during our 7th year of "eternal wedded bliss." It was during this time where we learned how to appropriately resolve conflict that allowed Eric to feel like he was resolving things quickly, without denying me my "cool down" time. We were in counseling for almost a year. This intense season of work on restructuring our marriage also shed light on areas of unforgiveness. Colossians 3:13 tells us directly, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." We made a decision that there would be no more room EVER for bitterness, resentment or unforgiveness in our marriage. Eric is not perfect. I am not perfect. Each one of us will screw up the other's plans or expectations at some point and I would rather be standing under an umbrella of grace that is being extended to me by my Love, than in a raging storm of anger and fury. Forgiveness is salve to an open wound. It empowers us to heal and move on.

3. The way Eric and I treat each other now will determine the legacy we will leave later.

Eric and I recently attended a marriage conference. As we watched other married couples' stories unfold on a big screen in front of us, we both walked away with a similar conviction. The legacy we are leaving our children is underway now. Its so easy for me to get in a pattern of thought where I dream about how much "better" I will be in the future when I'm not as tired, have more time to spend with my husband, have less things to complain about because EVERYTHING will be fixed by the time the future rolls around... and I write off any of the above inconveniences as an excuse for my current negative behavior towards my spouse.

I may be able to rationalize my actions in the heat of the moment - I'm tired, I'm hormonal, I'm RIGHT - but how do my children rationalize my behavior? When they see Mommy and Daddy angry over who used the last of the mayo and forgot to write it on the grocery list, are they learning how to extend grace to each other, or get mad when the other makes a mistake? If there is anything I want my children to remember about their mother and father is how much love and grace we extended towards one another, modeling unconditional love for our children to witness and apply to their own marriages someday.

4. Marriage is NOT a 50/50 partnership.

I asked Eric what the biggest lesson he learned over the past ten years of marriage was, and this was it. He said that we each should always expect to give more - putting in more work than our "fair share." There are times when I am down and out, and he pulls through like a champion race horse and carries the family to victory. The house never looks cleaner than when I am sick because he cooks, does the dishes and vacuums, picks up the toys scattered all throughout the house and does the laundry (not sure what this says about me as a stay at home mom??? Clearly, I married Superdad.) Then there have been times when Eric has been gone for extended periods of time, and I have had to play the role of both mom and dad. Yes, there are times when I feel like I am the only one contributing to the marriage. I'm sure he feels that way too. But each of us will have our difficult seasons when we need to rely a little bit more on the support of our spouse to get us through. If we approach marriage like a 100/100 partnership, then we can always ensure that we got our spouse covered.

5. My husband does not complete me.

This lesson has been a hard pill for me to swallow. Every little girl dreams of a Knight in shining armor who will sweep her off her feet someday and rescue her from life's perils. I was no different. I thought that Eric would be able to meet my every need - cheer me up when I was sad, affirm me in all things, read my mind, know what I wanted before I did, meet all my expectations - spoken and unspoken, validate me and my feelings, the list goes on. I learned the hard way (over countless agonizing tears shed wondering "why doesn't my husband love me?") that it isn't Eric's role as my husband to fulfill my every dream and meet my every need. That role is meant for God and God alone. Eric is human. He is flawed and destined to fail me if I constantly turn to him for completeness. The thing is, God is meant to complete him too. By turning to God (especially during moments when I feel like Eric is failing me), I am reminded of my own weakness and need for a Savior. When I invite God to fill me up, I release Eric of the incredible burden he must feel when I place crazy expectations on him. Finding completeness in my Lord brings me joy, and shifts my focus from how Eric can fulfill my needs to how I can meet his.

6. When one of us weeps, the other tastes salt.

I saw this quote on a sign somewhere long ago and it stuck with me. It's so true. When Eric is sad, my heart is broken with his. When I experience something difficult, he is there to jump to my defense and either wrap his loving arms around me or threaten to murder the adversary. One of the biggest components of unification in a marriage are hardships. How we handle them and press through them defines our relationship. I am so thankful that I have a husband who has my back no matter what. We are each other's cheerleaders. GO TEAM HEATON! When we experience anything, we experience it together.

When I recently told Eric that I had found a lump in my breast, I saw the concern in his eyes. He had no fear, but he knew I was scared. His tenderness towards me and his prayers that covered me in the days leading up to my doctor's appointment revealed his deep concern and love for me. And I don't see Eric cry often, but when I do, it moves me. I feel his pain as if it is my own - a true sense of oneness. This ability is a gift - love that is able to exist only because we were loved first (1 John 4:19).

7. The biggest weapon we have against discontentment in our marriage is prayer.

Eric and I were facing a fork in the road... only a few months ago. We were either going to fight for our marriage, or try a separation. After an intense heart to heart conversation full of honesty and revelation, we decided to fight. Throughout our marriage, we had committed, maybe a couple weeks at a time, to following a devotional of some sort. Busyness kept us from being faithful to it. The day after our heart to heart we made a commitment that we would start our day EVERY morning with a devotional and prayer time together. Three months later, this plan is still in effect and I don't believe our marriage has ever been stronger. I have done countless Bible studies since we have been married. Eric has been in numerous men's groups. We have done couple's small groups and read every book on marriage from The Five Love Languages to Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. Nothing comes close to promoting unity in our marriage like prayer does. Praying together unites us as we present our requests, fears, worries, and praises before a Great God.

Eric is usually up first with the boys (BLESS HIM) so right before he is ready to go to work, he comes in the bedroom, picks up our devotional book, sits down next to me and my entanglement of covers, and reads the day's inspiration. We are currently reading Sarah Young's Jesus Calling (which I highly recommend). After we finish our devo, we discuss what we feel to be the biggest obstacles the day will bring and we pray for each other. This commitment to pray for each other daily has saved our marriage. We are essentially inviting God to work in every part of our lives, giving Him complete control over our marriage and everything that is thrown at us.

I am the East, and Eric is the West. God is our due North. The further we pull away from each other, the less "pull" we feel from God. But when we meet Him in prayer together, we are locked together like magnets with a strength that is impossible to break. This morning prayer time helps us stay Christ-centered in thought and in deed, which governs us throughout the day.

8. Don't make your husband wait ten years before making him enchiladas.

This one is a biggie. After ten years of asking me to make enchiladas, I finally caved last week and made my husband the dinner he wanted. Honestly, I don't like enchilada sauce. Or corn tortillas. That's the only reason I have for never making them before. I will tell you something - it is EASY for me to be selfless with my kids. They eat every meal first. They get dressed before I do. They get all the good fruit. They get to pick what movie they want to watch, ALL the time. My tasks throughout the day get interrupted every 30 seconds to tend to a need of a child. And it is just the way I am wired, as a mom, who loves her kids. It is much more difficult for me to be selfless with my husband. But it is required of me. And when I am selfless with him, he yearns to be selfless with me, and that is a cycle I am ok with being stuck in.

And I HEART the Pioneer Woman. Ree Drummond and I are like kindred spirits. I do not blame her for nobody else liking the enchiladas the other night. I think my little boys and I have anti-enchilada sauce taste buds. I am thankful that Eric devoured his enchiladas and said they were the best he'd ever had. But... if anyone out there has any recipes for unconventional enchiladas (no red sauce) please send them my way!!

9. We are currently living yesterday's dreams.

I have always been a BIG dreamer. I mean, my teachers use to make comments on my report cards about my "tendency to daydream in class." (Whatever. I still got good grades.) But when you put TWO dreamers together - watch out. Big dreams require big action. Eric and I know this well. We have big dreams for our family, including the desire to build our own home someday. We often find ourselves mulling over floor plans, home design books, and checking out the latest and greatest products at Home Depot and Menards. We occasionally drive out to our property and stand in the place where our future house will be. And just think about it.

Just the other day, as Eric and were talking about our visions for the future (which ALSO include growing our own grapes so we can make our own wine, own a brewery in town - which means Eric will also brew the beer for that, own a bed & breakfast, have a garden big enough to sustain ourselves for the year, and travel the world) we realized that we often spend so much time planning and thinking about the future, and we don't spend much time thinking about where we have come from. If you had asked me five years ago what my vision for my family was, I'd have said something like, "Be settled in an area near family, with close friends with whom we can raise our children, be a part of a church family that challenges and grows us, and both Eric and I would be using our gifts to serve the Lord." Well there you go. That dream came true.

Eric and I have been reminding ourselves to focus on the present, counting our blessings, and remembering to be thankful in the midst of ALL of our moments. Because all of our moments impact our dreams - and we have a God who is the business of blessing our socks off.

10. Married life is an adventure unparallel to any other.

For the past ten years, I have always had a companion to do life with. Though we have been through some rough seasons in our marriage, like an any adventure, the hard work is coupled with beautiful and exhilarating moments along the way. My spouse and I are tethered to a Big God who desires to reveal His beauty to us. I have determined that there is no such thing as "eternal wedded bliss" - God promises that with Himself only. In John 16:33, Jesus tells we will have trouble in this world. He never promises a perfect happy life. But he reminds us that he has overcome anything we will ever face, and as I look back over the past ten years, I see his fulfillment of his promises to us. The Lord has blessed Eric and I with an amazing story full of adventure, excitement, twists and turns, love and laughter, tears and joy. I wouldn't exchange a single moment. This is our story - and we are sticking to it.

Honeymooners! (Fiji, 2004)









Serving the village of Wa (Ghana, Africa, 2007) 

Last vaca before kids! (St. Lucia, 2007)

 

Living the dream (Gulf Shores, 2011)