Every January 1st brings about a desire for most people to become a new and improved person. I have always loved change. I enjoy meeting new people, trying new foods, taking the hiking trail I've never hiked before even though I know the other one has a gorgeous view... A fresh start has always appealed to my adventurous side. In the same way we reorganize our family room furniture every few years, buy new bedding when the stuff we've slept on for ten years finally seems out of date, or shop for new clothes even though we have plenty that fit and look just fine, we are constantly seeking something new. Something fresh. Change. A new mind set. A different perspective. We reinvent ourselves year after year, every January, with resolutions to lose weight, be happier, give more, take less, eat healthier, reconnect with old friends, forgive and forget... and the list goes on and on. I have my own list, of course, but its futile. I know this.
I think just the idea of having a fresh start is inviting. But if I am being honest, a long list of self-improvement goals is a difficult thing for me to tackle. I am set in my ways. No matter how loudly I declare to eat healthier this year, I will never forsake my couch date with Ben & Jerry at the end of most days. Ice cream is therapy to the weary soul of this stay at home mother of two wild little boys. If I am stranded on an island and get one food item to bring with me (and hopefully the option of a cooler) its going to be ice cream. I wonder why I long for newness... for things to be different... but yet cling so tightly to the things that require sacrifice in order for me to make the change I seek. I desire to be more patient with my boys but when an opportunity arises where I have the chance to extend them grace, I choose to be frustrated over my inconvenience. I long to cut back on spending money with the hopes of saving up for the building of our dream home, but every time I pass a Starbucks, grocery shop after watching the Food Network, or enter back into civilization (any place outside of this small farming community) my wallet becomes a life line to instant gratification. But above all, I desire to find more time in the day to set apart for Jesus - time for prayer, a devotion, Bible study - but my bed is far too warm and comfortable in the dark of the morning to drag myself out of it before the kids arise, and once my day starts, well forget it - between my interchanging roles as wife, mommy, chef, teacher, potty-trainer, maid, play-doh and finger painting supervisor, UFC Fighting - I mean - trampoline referee, gardener, and women's ministry coordinator, I can't even remember where I was going when I began this incredibly long sentence. My point being, by the end of the day, my head hits the pillow and I realize its the first thing I've done for myself all day. Just simply rest. It seems the only thing standing in my way of self-improvement is myself.
I wonder if I have had it wrong all these years. What if a long list of self improvement goals is not the answer to becoming the person I so desire to be? I know I can't do it all. I probably fail more than I succeed at anything. A long list of all the things I'd like to be but never can remember to embrace in the moment is a just a reminder of my failures. I just want a list that contains one thing. One thing that encompasses everything else. One choice - one decision that can impact every other choice, every thought, every desire and transform them into something that will inevitably shape me into the person I want to be. Into the person I was created to be.
One thing.
When I was in college, I first stumbled across this Scripture.
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
Being the first born, rule follower that I was, and inhabiting a mentality that I will reap a reward when I do what I am told, I interpreted this verse to mean: "Follow God's rules and he will give you what you want." I was actively involved in college ministries all four years of my schooling, a camp counselor over the summers, a regular church attender, never missed a Sunday night College Life service, led a small group, prayed, journaled, the list goes on. With all the "good" things I was doing and the "perfect" Heather I was striving to be, I was surprised that I had so much strife and heartache during my four years at college. I prayed fervently for an unhealthy relationship to work itself out. I prayed fervently for God to reveal how he wanted me to use my art and psychology degree (while turning my head to the OBVIOUS ministry calling that was screaming in my face). I prayed fervently for things to remain the same when the world was changing around me. And the whole time I wondered... Why isn't God granting me my desires? Was I not doing everything the way I was supposed to? Was I not doing enough?
A few years later - married, working in full-time ministry, and a tad bit wiser - I came across this verse again. And just like He always does, God breathed new life into His Word. And I heard Him loud and clear - "When you live in my will for your life, Heather, you will want what I want for you. Your desires will become like Mine."
Bam. Hit me like a ton of bricks. It was never about what I wanted, but about what God wanted for me. And as I approach this new year, full of longings to be more of some things, less of others, better at this and stronger at that, this beautiful verse in Psalm calls attention to my heart once again. What if I could exchange my long list of ideals and desires for just one? One thing?
I have decided to scratch off every bullet point of my resolution list. Because without God directing my heart, my thoughts, my actions, my choices, my responses and reactions, I am setting myself up for constant failure with no hope of growth or change. Instead I am choosing one thing to strive for this year. And that is for my desires to be His. I am choosing Jesus this year. Jesus when I am arguing with my husband and feel like throwing a plate. Jesus when my kids are refusing to use the toilet like normal human beings. Jesus when the driver in front of me is going ten miles under the speed limit. Jesus when I walk past a store with a powerful lure. Jesus when I am exhausted and haven't opened my Bible all day. If Jesus is always my choice - simply uttering his Holy name - won't my actions that follow be a direct reflection of him and his desires for me? And if I screw up, and I know I will (its my MO), at least the "one thing" I have chosen is an extension of never-ending grace. Any failure has the potential to be followed by a growth spurt. I think this sounds a lot more attainable for me.
2014 has been a rough start for me. Sure there has been some stress at home, some abnormally cold weather that has induced cabin fever, and just the normal "winter blues" that have settled in for an unwanted and hopefully temporary stay. But I feel very unsettled. Plagued by something I can't identify. Like a storm brewing on a warm summer day - the sweet refreshing breeze turns into a hair-knotting wind, the clouds envelop the sun and the water pouring out of the sprinkler that is so refreshing and delightful begins leaving goose bumps on our arms and before we know it we are standing in the rain. I feel like Eeyore, standing under a rain cloud, wondering where it came from. I can't predict what this year has in store for me, but I know God has called me to live my life out in the sunshine. So, I am putting away my umbrella, letting the last few rain drops trickle across my forehead and stepping into the brilliant light of the Son, letting go of self-placed demands and expectations, and simply choosing one thing.
Jesus.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17
